Searching for Mr. Chess

Notes to myself #32

2009-11-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

-->I just found out that my roomie and I have our birthdays right after the other. His is on February 7th, mine is on the 8th. It explains a lot.

-->I really hate doing sit-ups.

-->I don't know why I have to explain to my roommate what that smell was. I mean, the beans are on the stove.

-->I'm running out of underwear. Need to do laundry tomorrow.

-->Some jackass named Gomi is probably reading this blog right this minute.

Knock it off! I told you it's lame!

-->Remember to print the e-ticket for the trip.

-->Make sure not to meet gaze @ John when saying hello/good morning/how are you?/and anyother chitchat.

-->Good lord. I hope he doesn't think I look at his crotch. I swear it's always an accident!

-->Get some beano.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-01T18:15:00.001-08:00

So, another Halloween has passed. The Castro was freaking packed. Got trashed. By the end of the night, I found myself digging for someone's tonsils. Who I later find out is British and with his Husband on vacation.

I'm such a hot mess.

What the heck? Why am I a magnet for unavailable men? It's like once they see me, they know I can be taken advantage of. And the sad thing is, I am.

Well, guess who's back?

2009-10-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

Duh! Me!

Harvey Milk Speech

2008-11-14T22:16:00.001-08:00

Now this is GAY!

2007-07-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

Are you freaking kidding me? You have to watch!

You're An Ass!

2007-07-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

Hec Yeah, you know who you are!

Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?

2007-07-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

Answer: I have issues.

Enough said.

Almost There

2007-06-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

It never occured to me that my last break up would be such an issue. I did like the guy but things weren't just meant to be. I was somewhat relieved that I once again single. I guess if one was single for such a long time (5 years), one just get accustomed to the fact. So, I wasn't really devastated when we broke up.

That is until one November day, stepping on a scale did I find out that I weighed 205 lbs! What the fuck? How in the heck did I get that big? I was afraid of going to Monterey Aquarium to see Shamu for fear of being mistaken as one of its prey. Ugh! First time that I ever broke 200. Holy shit! After carefully examining what I was doing before the weigh in, I realize that my eating habits turned for the worse around the time Robert and I broke up. An ice cream here and there. An extra trip to the buffet line. An extra serving of chow mein...You get the drift.

I guess, it did have an impact. It didn't help that he found a replacement less than two weeks. I was just such in denial that my mind comforted itself by eating. It was profound. I was such an idiot and too full of pride to admit that it didn't bother me.

By late November, early December, I went on a diet. And I tell you, that was such a stupid idea. Why would anybody start a diet right when the holidays are in full swing? Don't ask me. But I was determined. I lost a few pounds. Not much but it was enough to give me a boost.

A week after my 30th birthday, I enrolled myself to the gym. Prepaid 3 years of membership with 24hour Fitness. Yeah, 3 years! I want to make sure that I make myself feel guilty spending that much. My motivation.

Since then (counting my weight in November) I have lost 30 pounds. Shocking to me. I am back to weighing 175! Patting myself on my back. Friends and co-workers (old and new) have noticed. Thank goodness, because I will beat them to death if they didn't say anything. I do feel good and look so much better.

But I'm not done yet. My goal is to go back to 160-163. My weight right before leaving the Military. I can't wait! I'm already wearing size 32 pants.

I See You Toners...

2007-06-01T00:56:00.000-07:00

Could it be? In his page he states that he's not with "Him" anymore. I'm not going to lie, I'm so happy for Toners. Is this finally IT? Has he cut the cord permanently? It does look like the real thing. He's already looking so much better than when I last saw him. Handsome as ever. I am quite sure he's going to find someone more worthy of his love. I wish him the best. Truly.

Although, I felt bad upon reading his blog to find out that he's been in the hospital. If I had known, I would have been there. Forget that I said I was not going to ever talk to him unless he's sober. I'm just glad that he's healthier. After reading the first few paragraphs, it gave me quite a scare. I'm such a dumbass. I'm sorry.

Toners, you're on the right track. Just keep in mind that all (AND I DO MEAN ALL) of your friends, even the ones that you think have given up on you, will be there IF EVER YOU CALL.

Night of Potential(s)...

2007-05-13T02:30:00.000-07:00

I guess it's bound to happen sooner or later. I got two numbers tonight. One I would not count as surprising since I've known him for more than 6 years. But the other, now that's something.

The day started out slow. Woke up very late. Did some chores. Worked out. Then went out to meet some friends who were visiting from Long Beach. I didn't get there until 12:30. Exchanged pleasantries and immediately find out that my friend is trying to hook me up with this guy. I'm shy. So embarrassed that my friend was doing his impression of cupid. What the heck? I tried to be coy. Smiling every now and then. I pretty much ignored him. I mean, what if he didn't like me and was just trying to be all nice about it with my friend? Better be the one acting all nonchalant. Oh well, I didn't go out to meet some guy. I'm actually there to meet friends.

Anyway, by the end of the night, he came by and gave me his number. I wasn't expecting it. I could imagine how much courage he had to muster, trying to decide how to approach me. I have to give him points, he got some balls. Not to mention making my night much better than normal. I would definitely call him sometime this week.

Thanks Danners!

A LETTER TO ANTHONY GOMEZ

2007-03-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

Yo Tony!

I know you're back in Stockton, so you can stop pretending that you're in San Diego. Five freaking days! You lasted only five freaking days! What the fuck? I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this time things are different. Maybe this time you've finally understood what we (your family and friends) have been trying to tell you. SOBER THE FUCKING HELL UP and GET YOUR LIFE BACK IN ORDER!

I was happy when I saw you on my Birthday. FUCK! I was happier when you told me that you're going to San Diego, to live with your cousin so you could start a new. I WAS ECSTATIC. Finally, you would live your life to the fullest and not get bogged down by that shit you so crave. Where was the Tony that I fell in love with? What happened to him? I understand that everybody changes in time. I understand that you could never be that same guy again. I understand why you flaked that day. I understand that you love him more. I understand that you hate me for not calling you. I understand why you came back.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW YOU KEEP DOING THINGS THAT WOULD HURT YOU, YOUR FAMILY, AND YOUR FRIENDS?

Open your fucking eyes! If you think he loves you, he would not let you fucking ruin your life. Jeopardizing your health. He wouldn't let anything, and I mean anything, that would hollow out your whole being. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! HE JUST WANTS A COMPANION! SOMEONE TO JOIN HIM WHILE HE'S ROTTING IN HIS MISERABLE LIFE! That's why he's making sure you're hooked forever!

You know what? FUCK YOU FOR LETTING ME BELIEVE ALL THE PROMISES YOU'VE SAID! FUCK YOU FOR HAVING ME WORRY OVER YOUR FUCKING HEALTH! FUCK YOU FOR GOING BACK TO HIM TIME AND TIME AGAIN! FUCK YOU FOR KNOWING THAT THIS WILL NEVER GET IN YOUR HEAD! FUCK YOU FOR CHOOSING HIM! FUCK YOU FOR DANIEL, JODI, LAURA, STEPHANIE, NORM, MATT, MELODY, JILL, YOUR FAMILY, AND EVERYBODY ELSE THAT HOLD YOU SO DEAR! AND FUCK YOU BECAUSE I STILL CARE FOR YOU!

Please get help. I'm begging you. I don't know how much more of this we could take.

Just call me when you're sober,
Jake

I HAVE FOUND MR. CHESS!!!

2007-02-26T19:27:00.000-08:00

AND HE'S STRAIGHT!

AIN'T THAT A BITCH!

Porn Connections

2007-02-25T01:32:00.000-08:00

Ya, definitely got your attention. Not me mind you. Oh, it's not that I abhor anything porn. Quite the opposite. I love porn. I'm not just porn quality material. Probably the home video kind, one you would surely hope to not get leaked out! There's probably a video of me there somewhere floating around. The security-video-grainy kind thing. But that's another story. I'm here to write about my Porn Connections. Nothing juicy, just matter of fact.

PORN CONNECTION #1

When I was in the Army, while stationed in Fort Bragg, NC. I used to know this guy. He's airborn, gung-ho. And more importantly a big HO! I used to run into him at the local gay bar as well as in Raleigh. He's definitely cute and charming. Blond hair. Fucking nice body. And a winning smile. A year after I got out did I finally get to realize how much of a HO he was when I stumbled upon a video he did for Active Duty. No, not the one that was just a few years old. It was back in 1998-99. The first time Fort Bragg was shocked to learn that some of it's Airborn guys are practicing homos and getting paid for it. Yeah, they're delusional!

PORN CONNECTION #2

Again, while in the Army, I used to frequently "hang-out" (he was not a fuck buddy, although we have messed around quite a bit) with this guy who models hair. He wasn't extraordinary in the looks department but something about him made him extra special. This guy gets laid practically everyday. I know because the times that I go over to his house to "hang out", guys would be dropping in or just leaving. And pretty much confirmed by his roommate. Anyway, he gave great head. He has to because he moonlighted as a fluffer.

PORN CONNECTION #3

My ex-roommate's boyfriend (who won a wet briefs contest in San Fran) used to hang out with drag queens, knows Sister Roma, and other members of the porn industry. He has mentioned on several occasion how big of a nelly Michael Brandon really is, not to mention a good guy. And has promised to take me to a mansion somewhere north of San Fran, where the hot porn and non-porn guys hang out to chill clad with nothing more than a speedo/trunks. Ya, I am so there!

PORN CONNECTION #4

A female great friend of mine is currently dating/living with this great guy who used to work for Hot House. Not as a model (although, I have teased him plenty of times that he looked like Jeff Palmer) but tweaked their website. I think he even mentioned that he was the one that did the opening credits for the film Skuff or was it SHOCKER (I'm not even sure if Shocker was for Hot House). I can't remember. But he too constantly asks if I wanted to meet any of the guys. I refused. I didn't believe him at first. He's straight and bulgarian. I thought maybe he didn't know what he was saying, or the least, I didn't know what he was saying (thick accent). Until last year @ San Fran, he was stopped by Dick Wolfe and had a quick chat. He also knows Sister Roma. And tells me that Alex Collack has constantly made fun of him for developing a tiny pooch (beer belly). Which made my friend start going back to the gym.

PORN CONNECTION #5

And currently just realized... I used to talk to this guy who I just found out did porn. No he didn't do porn while I was talking to him. It was after. Am not entirely surprised. He is good looking and charming. I'm not saying that anyone who is charming and good looking is going to end up doing porn, he just had the persona. And the dick. He had one of the nicest cocks I have ever laid my mouth on. Twice. But he was a slut. He was "talking" to four other guys. As luck would have it, we live in a small town and as the weeks progressed, one by one I learned of them. I wasn't mad. We weren't dating. No talks of exclusivity. In fact, I don't ever recall asking him if he was seeing other guys. The thing that broke the deal for me was when I caught him in a lip-lock with one of my friends. Nope, not surprised at all. Now, if I can only get a hold of the video!

Downhill from Here

2007-02-08T00:00:00.001-08:00

Your Birthdate: February 8

Watch out Donald Trump! You've got a head for business and money.
You'll make it rich some day, even if you haven't figured out how yet.
A supreme individualist, you shouldn't get stuck in a corporate job.
Instead, make your own way - so that you can be the boss.

Your strength: Your undying determination

Your weakness: You require an opulent lifestyle

Your power color: Plum

Your power symbol: Dollar sign

Your power month: August

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

OK, I'm 30. I am now in a different age group. Here goes...

Update: I bought a new car (another SUV). I got a new phone (Blackberry Pearl!). Still have not move to Sacramento! But that's in the works. I'm going to San Francisco this weekend to celebrate. Still yet to find Mr. Chess. Dog gone it!

Been Busy!

2006-12-18T18:50:00.000-08:00

It's almost Christmas and I have yet to post something this month! As you may know, I just started a new job with the State. Commuting to and from work is just nuts and it's draining so much of my energy. I just want to pass out whenever I get home! No worries... I'm in the process of searching for a place in Sac!

There are 3 possible locations. All of them around downtown or midtown. Nice places. I actually drove by the area and I'm loving it so far. Now, if I could just get my butt to call the agency/managers so they could give me a tour of the place.

Will update when possible.

First Day @ New Job!!!

2006-11-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

I was so excited that I couldn't go to sleep. Left the house @ 0545 to go get coffee. Left Lodi @ 0600, thinking I would hit mad traffic. I didn't. So I ended up arriving @ my new workplace an hour and a half early!

There I was in the parking lot, shaking like an addict in rehab (drank 5 shots worth of espresso) listening to the radio blasting in my car.

Anyway, got the tour of the office (building really), met practically everyone, read the SOP (standard operating procedures) manual, observed, took a break, called past co-workers, observed some more, ate lunch, filled out HR stuff, worked on my own for a bit, and left @ 1710.

Wow! The day went by so fast! And let me tell y'all, besides the legal jargon that made my head spin for awhile there, I actually think I'm going to like this place!

Oh, did I mention that I've already spotted 3 eye candies!

Hello Sacramento!

2006-11-07T20:34:00.000-08:00

"Doors will be opening for you in many areas of your life."
--fortune cookie, 7 Nov 06

I got a tentative offer last Thursday. Meaning they were only waiting for the final ok/signature by the HR people. I was told that I was to get a call that same day or the next.

I was so excited that on Friday, I tendered by resignation even if I haven't gotten the final call. I never did.

I was so nervous the whole weekend.

Monday came and went. Nada! I was down and feeling sick to my stomach.

Tuesday. I got so anxious that I broke down and called the person. No answer. Transferred to his voicemail. Left a message. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Thinking that maybe the offer was rescinded, I decided then and there that I will not take back my letter of resignation. It would look so dumb on my part. Fuck it. Went to lunch and stuffed my face.

I GOT THE JOB!

Two hours after returning from lunch, the person called me apologizing for his tardy reply. Stating that Friday was a bad day for HR and asked when I will be able to start work.

YAY! So here I am Sacramento!

Amends

2006-10-30T23:04:00.000-08:00

It seems like the last guy I dated and myself are back to friendly terms. He has finally met his Mr. Chess and I am very happy for him. We're in such good terms that he has invited me to be a friend on 'their' myspace page.

I hesitated, of course, given the way how our relationship had ended. But seeing how both of them looked very happy and content, I had to oblige. I clicked 'approve'.

So 'R'... You really do deserve the best and his name is 'M'. May all your UPS and DOWNS be solely in the bedroom.

Always,
'J'

Insert Foot

2006-10-29T18:03:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm sure you're dying to know. About the job interview.

Short story: The ditsiest moment of my life.

Long story:

7:15. Woke up. Had plenty of time to shower, shave, piss, iron clothes, get dressed, and put goo in hair. Left Stockton around 8am. That's good right? Plenty of time, I thought. It usually took me 45 minutes to get to downtown Sacramento. Yeah, an hour sounds plausible. Nope, it took me more than an hour to get to my destination! I was getting nervous while driving through Laguna Blvd when all of a sudden the traffic slowed. Heck at one point, I was going 3 miles/hour!

Knowing I was going to be fucking late, I called the office where the interview was being held. I told them my name and was put immediately on hold. A few seconds later, the lady asked what was the purpose of my call. Again, I was put on hold. She asked for the interviewer's name, which was never given to me. This resulted with me being transferred several times. Nobody seemed to know. I'm thinking, "Great!" When the lady (I think she moonlights as Mrs. Obvious) pronounced she couldn't help me but suggests to get there fast. Sure! Let me get off the phone with you so I can open up my window and scream like a banshee with the hopes of the drivers ahead, mistaking me for an ambulance, would graciously part to each side of the freeway and let me through. Yeah, I'm fucked!

9:07. Good, I'm not too late. Not so fast. In my state of haste, it dawned on me that I had parked 5 blocks away! I thought about going back to my car, which was parked 7 floors up. Instead, I hauled ass! I was like a mad man. Dodging other people and jumping over obstacles, all the while expressing my apologies. I think I even said sorry to an empty park bench. After giving one driver one lone finger, the bitch almost clipped me, I stood where 'X' marked the spot. Showed my ID, rode the elevator. Checked my reflection. Not as crisp but not disheveled. Door opens. Sure enough, I got off the wrong floor.

9:37. Eventually found the right room and somehow had my interview re-scheduled 2 hours later.

11:17. The girl in the front desk asks if I was back for the interview (Mrs. Obvious turned out to be Ms. Duh). Fearing I might say something 'like, so rude', I nodded with agreement. Gave me three papers, each describing three different job duties. Instructed me to sit on a chair, read the job descriptions, wait to be called, and left by wishing me good luck. Hearing her say those words just made me feel guilty for the sarcastic words I meant to say to her and glad that I didn't.

11:27. I heard voices eminating from a door a few feet to my right. They were laughing. The door opens and a cute petite girl wearing a black angora sweater over a white collared shirt and khaki pants exits. Followed by a guy in a blue buttoned-up shirt, necktie, and dark pleated pants. The guy gave the girl directions on how to get to the elevator. Girl started walking, guy follows with his eyes firmly planted to her ass. Goes back inside. My heart sank and began thinking of a way to let them forget about her.

11:32. I got called in the room. It so happens that there were three people doing the interview. You could imagine my nervousness. Crap. Each one introduced themselves and their respective departments. Sounded very interesting. I could have understood more if it weren't the fact that the guy to my left had such beautiful blue green eyes. Yeah, the one that was staring the last interviewee's ass. I couldn't concentrate. Everytime he spoke, I looked directly into his eyes. And each time, I felt a little flushed. I could imagine the sight of me turning red. The interview was going well, I thought. Until the guy asked what was one of my weakness in my current employment. It went downhill from there.

Weakness. For crying out loud! I knew that one was coming. I even had a prepared statement for such a question. Battle ready, I would have said, "I am my own worse critic. I am never satisfied with my work no matter how everyone else perceives it as a job well done. I would always think up of better ways of doing things." But I never said any of those words. Immediately, I blanked out. I couldn't think of anything. Why now? Stop thinking about those damn eyes!

In my panic, all I said was, "Ummm, I don't know. Let me think..." DANGER WILL ROBINSON! "Ummm... Sta-ta-sta-Stapling?" HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! "I really don't know!" The last came out almost like a whine.

Yeah, I'm screwed. I couldn't even begin to imagine what were going through their heads when they heard me say STAPLING!. I am such an idiot! It was such a traumatic experience that I couldn't remember what was said nor asked after. Except when returning to my car did I finally let out a scream.

Ugh!

Can't Sleep

2006-10-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

It's 1:27am... And I'm still awake! It's one of those days that I should be sleeping. I can't help it. I'm too excited and nervous at the same time!

I have an interview tomorrow. Wait! I meant TODAY! In a few hours! I have to wake up at 7am. At least, so I can prepare. Not to mention that I'm on the verge of getting sick. Yeah, I could feel it coming. Heck, my nose is starting to clog up, my sinuses are acting up, I feel sluggish, and I'm warm to the touch. Needless to say, I'm pretty much fucked!

Oh well. I just hope my snot doesn't start dripping down my nose as I'm about to say something impressive.

Note to self: Bring hanky!!!

6 years later...

2006-10-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

The last serious relationship I had was over six years ago. Brad, that was his name. I was 23, he was 46. I was madly in love with him. He filled something in me that was missing. I really thought he was the one. I didn't care that he was twice my age. I could give a fuck. He made me happy. He was the first one that made me realize a long term relationship was feasible. He was the reason why I stopped fucking around. He made me believe in monogamy. He changed my life forever.

It didn't last.

I found out he was cheating on me. Another Filipino guy. Apparently, he was a co-worker of his. To make matter worse, I ended up working with the guy.

One day, during lunch, I decided to go to Wendy's. Was walking up to the door, when I saw my new co-worker sitting by the glass wall a few feet from the entrance. I waved to him. Realizing that he wasn't alone, his lunchmate turned to look at me. It was Brad.

My heart fell to my stomach. I no longer felt hungry. But I was not about to show Brad how devastating the situation was for me. I opened the door and willed myself in the restaurant. My whole body was shaking that I had to grip the railing to keep me still. Upon receiving my order, I used up every once of determination not to go to their table or I might make a scene. I waited until I was at a red light before I let a tear come out.

At work, Mel asked me how I knew the guy he was with during lunch. I feigned innocence but then he told me that Brad told him. Not being able to get out of the situation, I told him that we were in a relationship. That we've broken up a few months ago. Mel, not fully aware, confirmed what I realized the moment I saw them. He was the other Filipino guy. He said that they started dating at such and such date. When they were both working at a feed store. Mel was a clerk, Brad was in accounting/finance.

I never told Mel that I was already in a 6 months relationship with Brad when they first met/dated. I was in too much of a shock. It's one thing to know that your boyfriend cheated on you, but to actually meet the other person? I wanted to tell him. I wanted to let him know that he's the fucking reason why I was fucking pissed at the world. But it would be unfair to solely put the blame on him. I gave him the benefit of a doubt that he never knew about me.

I often wonder what else Brad told him.

Five years later, I get in contact with the person who introduced me to Brad. Matt, he's a well-mannered, nice, pleasant, educated, and with good intentions kind of guy. I never was attracted to the guy. He's just someone that I had the chance to meet at a gay bar. It's a little disappointing that he didn't remember me. I kept driving the fact that he introduced me to Brad. When all of a sudden he remembers. He said, "Yeah, now I remember. Yep, you were dating Brad."

As an afterthought he added, "About the same time as Jonathan. This black dude that he was seeing. About the same time as you."

I know he didn't mean to be so callous. A person tend to spill everything out upon recollection of old memories stashed away. Like when you're in the closet trying to get that damn shirt you know you put away in the top shelf. When you pull it out, everything else comes crashing down.

No, he didn't mean to let it all out. It shouldn't bother me anyway. It's been six years!

So we casually talked about what we're doing. Mainly, what he's been up to these past few years. No, he hasn't heard from Brad for awhile now. We even decided to go to a movie and catch up. And so it is, we're going to the movies on Saturday. We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.

Then I cried.

Maybe Sometimes, You Got It Wrong, But It's All Right...

2006-10-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

Corinne Bailey Rae

I love this song, her voice, her beauty. Gosh, she's so awesome.

My Theme Song for the moment.

Myheritage.com Thinks I Should Be A Drag Queen!

2006-09-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I came across one of my friends (Kevin) friend's myspace profile and saw a collage of celebrities he looked like. It looked fun. Who doesn't want to see who they looked like? I submitted one of my photos. Here are the results:

Apparently, I my face is more feminine-like. What the fuck! 6 out of 8 faces were of women! And the males? Corey Feldman? Ugh! And who is this Vytautas Landsbergis? Well, he's Lithuanian for one. And more from here. Like you care. One thing's for sure, if indeed I dress up in drag one of this days, I would be fuckable! Imagine looking like Lucy Liu (hmmm), Janeane Garofalo (not when she's a blonde, lay off the bleach!), or Queen Latifah (before the breast reduction of course)! Maybe it's a mistake.

So I tried another photo:

Kevin Mitnick (yeah another one)? Nathan Lane (So gay!)? Macaulay Culkin? Argh! Yet still, majority of the faces are females! 5 out of 8!!!!! Still hot as a chick though. I'm not yet convinced! I'm still thinking it's a fluke.

So I sent in another one:

HALLELUJAH! I'll take it! 59% Viggo Mortensen! 48% Brad Pitt! 52% Jamie Cullum! And the proverbial pussy in the batch, 48% Diane Keaton! Line up y'all! I'll start practicing my autograph from here on!

Dedicated to "R"

2006-09-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

"Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone

P.S. Stop calling!

A letter to Someone

2006-09-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I was going through my things trying to look for some paperwork I thought I brought with me when I moved out of my parent's house. I spent hours trying to look for that darn thing. Nada! Instead, I found one of my notebooks and decided to flip through the pages. It seemed that I wrote a letter 7 years ago. An open letter. Good lord, I'm such a geek! Well here it goes:

June 2000

Hi! You must think I'm crazy. I mean who would do such a thing? Writing to somebody who's not real. Well I guess that's me.

Anyway, I'm 5'7", black hair, brown eyes, 155 lbs, medium built, and tan complected. By the way I'm a man. A man who's looking for Mr. Right. And hopefully that's you.

I'm very nice, you could even ask my friends. Although they would say different other things. Some I would rather not dwell upon.

I'm 22 yrs old. Aquarian. Part poet, part romantic. I would easily cry at movies also laugh loudly. Can't say that I'm handsome but I've been told that I am cute, even okay looking.

I love reading books, especially by Kurt Vonnegut and Robert Jordan. I love Catch-22 and others of the sort. I also love writing poetry, most of them about tragic love. I drink on the weekends. Go clubbing with friends. Basically, what a normal 22 yr old would do.

I'm looking for a guy who's a man yet sensitive, modest, likes my friends (at least gets along with them), neat, taller than me, nice eyes, nice smile, and always around.

I don't really look for a certain age/body/group. I've found myself attracted to different types of guys. Although it matters most if they are healthy. Hopefully, one day, I'll meet that man. I've been searching for him since I had come out, 3 years ago. So far, I haven't been lucky. To me, it seems that all men are dogs, just plain promiscuous. The ones that I do fall for are either straight (hetero), disappointing, not interested, or just not available.

I'm in the military. The military is not a good place for me. Everywhere I turn, I see good looking guys. It is hard for me to concentrate. Really.

I've had my share of "Trades". So-called straight guys wanting to try the other way. Mostly blowjobs, and they do come for seconds, and thirds, and fourths, and so on. But all they are looking for is a quick nut. A saying they all actually share is this: "I'm just a squirrel in this world. Just trying to bust a nut." So whenever they come knocking at my door, I happily comply. What can be more stimulating to a gay guy than a straight" man's company? Like I said, I have had plenty of my share.

To me, the military is a breeding ground for freaks, bisexuals, and homosexuals. Believe me, there are a lot of Freaks. As for Bi(s) and Homos, well, soldiers love to get drunk. When intoxicated, soldiers do a lot of things they never thought they would. This is where the experienced fags work the fields. Is is bad, I admit but it is true.

One of them (gay guy) would start out by asking a group of drunken soldiers a hypothetical question that would root out guys that would be willing to "experiment".
One of them is this: "What if you were in a room,a dark room with no lights, can't even see beyond inches of your face. When all of a sudden, your dick is being sucked. It feels good. You reach out and you find out it's a guy that's giving you head What would you do?" This in turn would lead to a pause, sometimes short, other times long. Giving time to those being asked to think carefully, then add, "Now you remember that you cannot see the person blowing you Would you stop it then and there or would you let it go on?"

Answers would differ but there is at least someone who would say that he would let it go on. That same person would be the target of the night. He is from now on, marked and sooner or later, a done deal. May sound easy, cliche even. But I have seen this tactic played right in front of me. Much to my surprise. It's so blatantly obvious to me. Then again, we are talking about drunk and horny soldiers.

The first time I had sex with a "hetero", I was shocked by how tender and passionate his love making was. I was expecting rough sex, being manhandled even But his caresses were light, sure, and he would constantly ask if I was comfortable. I, being the crazy one as can be, just started shouting to make it harder and to talk dirty to me. Afterwards, I was embarrass when my hormones subsided. I still, to this day, could see his face. Eyes wide, face blushed, and a big smile on his face. It was his first time and I was so happy because he enjoyed it. From then on, we had sex every 2 weeks. When his girlfriend goes to her Army national guard unit for her drill. It didn't hurt the fact that he was in the same unit as I was. Life is grand, isn't it.

That too didn't last. 6 months later, he got orders to go to Korea. Good things never last. We had fun the next 4 months. Him and his girlfriend broke up So I had him all to myself. He never did tell me why they broke up. I didn't want to bring it up. Besides, I was at the good end of the bargain, why ruin it?

I miss him. Hopefully we would meet again.

The next time I had relations with a "straight" guy, I fell in love. I fell so hard, I have bruises in my mind. He was the first one to break my heart.

I'll explain next time. Going to bed.

Always,
Jake

Re-reading the darn thing made me realize how shallow I was. Am I still? And the grammar! I almost feel like I was reading something some trashy fag wrote who lived in the valley! Here's hoping that I've outgrown it. It's funny. You could tell that the letter was influence by the age of AOL chat rooms!

As Requested...A Turn For the Worst

2006-09-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

My ex (if you would call him that) recently sent me an email stating (and I quote), "you should add the FUCK me then Leave me part too ! NO ? Aww that mite make you look bad O Thats right !!!!" (Nope, no mistake from my part. Everything was copied verbatim.)

Sadly, it did happen that way. We finally had sex, then I dumped him less than a week later. He proceeded to point it out that all I was after was his virgin booty (which I highly doubt and will further explain). You can look at it that way. But hear this, I broke up with him because of the stupid comment he made right after we fucked (I'm not going to say made love 'coz that would only imply something grand.) Which incidentally is as follows:

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE USED A CONDOM SO YOU WOULD HAVE CUMMED."

For him, it wasn't a big deal. He left messages stating that it was said out of TRUST. He didn't say anything wrong. Why was I blaming him for the break-up? I was the love of his life. The things I put him through because I broke up with him and all because of that little stupid comment. I killed him. I took advantage of him. I broke his heart.

Ask yourself what century do we live in. Would you say that to someone you've only dated for almost 2 months? Would you really trust someone so soon to go bareback? Are you fucking out of your mind?

It gets sadder and more pitiful. My vindication. The email further stated,

"Well anyhoo, hear Go's, this is just for me ! my closure !! i wasn't gana tell you this so i could play the Totall victim! but i so need this ! the $2 G's i spent on my New Dell was being saved for your B-Day Prezz ! i was taking you to Hawaii ! "SURPRIZE" but hears the big one ! The sunday you Were gone Randy Called and was house sitting for a frind, he asked me to come Hang out and i did. We hade SEX ! while we were still Together! that was a first cheat for me and it was on you ! Crazzy Timing LOL But i beet you ! bet this will help you to feel better ! i was the first one to FuckUP Jake !" (again, all verbatim)

Did he think that missing out on going to Hawaii would make me feel like an ass? I'm independent. I can pay for my own. Spend it on yourself. I never asked anything of monetary value. Was that what he thought? Pity. Ah, and him cheating on me. That was the icing on the cake. Definitely an eye opener. I should be mad but instead, I feel relieved and disappointed. Relieved because it just made my decision justifiable. And disappointed because I really thought he was a great guy and still wanted him to be a friend. In hindsight, I wasn't surprised with the cheating part. I've caught him changing his stories on several occasions.

Good riddance!

How To Tell Someone You've Been Dating That You Just Want To Be Friends

2006-09-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

In the last few months, I've managed to jump back into the dating pool. Five long years since my last long term relationship. Five long years, I've yearned to be with someone. Five long years, I've distrusted men. Five long years, I've been lonely.

So you could imagine my being hesitant. The prospect of getting to know someone. To let him handle your fragile heart. Sadly, being self-blinded with the "Woe Is Me" syndrome, I forgot that I wasn't the only one with the fragile heart.

A few months back, I realize that I was being stupid. Remembering a quote from Ally McBeal, "Love is just like a game. You'll never win if you don't play." (Yeah, so gay. Which incidentally, was delivered by none other than Dame Edna.) Then I thought, to hell with the past! Things happen for a reason, you live in the present to learn from them so you can have a better future. (So much psychobabble, I know.)

Next thing you know, I sent an email asking someone out. A few weeks passed, got their phone number, left messages twice, talked to him for days, then we finally met. I was lucky. He turned out to be nice, cute, loving, and a wonderful guy. And I have to say that he knew how to kiss. I take it back, He is a great guy. I was happy, ecstatic even. Time spent with him was relaxing. He's the type of guy that makes you feel so comfortable to be in your own skin. And I was.

Don't get me wrong, the relationship wasn't perfect. Little by little, I got to know him better. And little by little, things started bothering me. But I didn't let them be such a big deal. A kiss from him, makes them all disappear. What a feeling!

Just as things were going along fine, a moment happens. Something you would see when watching a Jerry Seinfeld episode. Something stupid, something remotely incomprehensible was said. I could have just blown it off. The kisses stopped working. I mean, he's a great guy, what the fuck was I thinking? But just like Jerry, I could not let it go. And just like a switch, I was turned off. Mulling things over for a few days just made it worse. It bothered me the more I thought about it. Of course, I asked my friends what they thought. All of them agreed that I should break it to him gently. But soon before he falls deeply.

What a fine thing to say. I, who have had his heart broken many times over, know how it would feel. I couldn't do it to him. For Pete's sake! His birthday is less than 2 weeks away! What if I'm just being stupid? What if I'm only having cold feet? What if I'm going to make the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go? But like a bucket of cold water, I realize I can not get over it. Not to mention, it would be unfair to him and more hurtful if I keep up with the charade.

Part of me hoped that he would take it in stride, shrug and happily take my offer of friendship without so much of a hassle. In a perfect world. I hate it. I don't want to do it. I wished he would change his mind and without any warning, tell me instead that he's breaking up with me. In my dreams. In the end, I had to do it.

I called him and right away, he sensed that something was awry. While my whole body was shaking and my heart racing, I told him what I felt. He hung up. A few text messages later, me offering friendship and he with angry replies. I understood his anger. Fuck! I would be angry at myself! He said mean things, things I would have said if I were in his shoes. I deserved each hateful comment. I would own it if it helps him.

And I am very sincere when I told him that I didn't want to lose him completely. I truly am.

Fuck! I feel like shit!

Send Me Chicken Soup!

2006-08-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

I've got the flu! I'm so weak right now...

Crossing My Fingers

2006-08-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

Well, here it goes! I finally did it! I applied for a new job! Yikes! I'm so excited and nervous! (What's up with all the exclamation points?) Went on monster.com to timidly looked for a job. I didn't think I would find something but... There it was! An opening for a pharmacy job right on (guess where) CASTRO STREET SAN FRANCISCO, CA! YEP!

Although, I'm not holding my breath. It was actually posted on July, so there's probably the chance that it has already been filled. One could hope otherwise! Please please please, let them ask for an interview!

Malinak Lay Labi (The Night is Late)

2006-08-20T21:28:00.001-07:00

I was browsing through the wikipedia and I stumbled upon a lullaby/love song that my yaya (nanny) used to sing to me when I was a little boy. It brings so many happy memories. Click on the link or title to hear how the song goes.

Malinak lay Labi: A Pangasinan Love Song

Malinak lay Labi
The night is late
Oras la'y mareen
The hour is peaceful

Mapalpalna'y dagem
A gentle breeze
Katekep to'y linaew
Along with it is the dew

Samit da'y kugip ko
So sweet is my dream
Binangonan kon tampol
Right away I awake

Lapu'd say limgas mo
Because of your beauty
Sikan sika'y amamayoen
You are the only one I will love

Lalo la bilay
Best of all, my life
No sika la'y nanengneng
When I see you

Napunas lan amin
All wiped away
So ermen ya akbibiten
The sorrows that I bear

No nanonotan
When I remember
Ko la'y samit day ugalim
Your sweet kindness

Ag ta ka nalingwanan
I will not forget you
Angga'd kauyos na bilay
Till life is gone

Note: The song is not in Tagalog but of a local dialect, Pangasinan.

Poo Shy's Dilemma...A Repost

2006-08-06T23:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while so I decided to read some of my old posts. I really liked them. Since most surfers tend not to go to someone's archive thought I should help them a bit. So here is one:

Poo Shy's Dilemma

I've written about one of my co-workers. You know, the one who has trouble taking a dump with someone around, hence the name Poo Shy. She has recently discovered the joys of coffee enemas. Say what?! Yes, you read it right, COFFEE ENEMAS! It's supposed to help you detoxify, give you a boost of energy, and etc. Why not? I mean if something were up my ass for 10-15 minutes at a time, I would feel energized and giddy the day/moment after. Hopefully, that would be the only similarity. The process of discharging that amount of coffee liquid sounds very uncomfortable. I can only compare it to having a case of very very bad diarrhea.

Which leads me to Poo Shy. She decided to try it out. Besides, no one would know. (Except for me and all my joyful readers) She went and checked if she had all the necessary supplies:

Lube (for ease of insertion)
Water (distilled)
Coffee (has to be ground, not instant nor decaffeinated. not sure if the flavor matters)
Filters (for obvious reasons)
Enema (a bag with a tube where you put the tepid water and then insert into anus)

Unfortunately, she was out of enemas. She waited for days before she could get the nerve to buy one. Who would dare? I'm sure people who were in dire need of an enema for health reasons have no problem buying one. But she was embarrassed of what the cashier might think when she hands him/her the enema. It's kind of stupid really. What else would you need an enema for? Beer bong? She thought, "Fuck them! They can all stick it up their asses!"

She goes into Super Walmart. Having found some courage, yet not quite, she decided to grab a few things before getting the enema. (Maybe to throw off the cashier?) 'Lo and behold, Super Walmart has a self-check out lane! And Poo shy seizes the opportunity and began ringing herself of her purchases:

Scented Candle (smells like...)
Magazine (Brad and Jen breakup!)
Fleets Enema (giddy with just the thought)
Pretty Woman (AGE VERIFICATION REQUIRED. PLEASE HOLD)

FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

As you can imagine, it wasn't her lucky night after all. The cashier (a guy, not sure if he's cute since she didn't even mention it) immediately stated that kids think they can get away buying things normally adults can buy and asked her what was that she was buying. She feebishly pointed out that, "Maybe because this movie (Pretty Woman) is Rated R?" In the meanwhile the cashier was checking out her inventory and on the screen with big green bold letters were :

ENEMA, FLEETS $2.99

I can only imagine what the guy was thinking while my friend was clumsily perusing her purse for her darn driver's license. By the time she finished paying, she was so embarrassed, she left the store with her tail between her legs.

For The Second Time!

2006-07-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!

The Falling Out

2006-07-13T00:31:00.000-07:00

I just had a big fight with one of my best friends today. And I am very ticked off! I love and think highly of her. But the way she acts towards a certain guy bugs the hell out of me. She can't see how he mistreats her, practically cheats on her. The fact that she confronted the girl (one of them) blaming her for her act but still talking and "hanging out" with the guy hoping that he would change is BULLSHIT! What the fuck! Raw Sugar (that's her name if she ever wants to be a pornstart, mine's Hoover) take off that blindfold! Seriously, you're hurting yourself!

But that's not why we had a fight.

We're planning to go on a rafting trip this Saturday. She's such a take charge person that she's taking care of the details. Gotta love her for that. She informs me of what needs to be done, the fees, who are going, practically the whole itinerary. She then informs me that person X (an ex that has become one of our friends) would be going without his girlfriend (who is also our friend) and asks me if I could give him a ride to the rafting place. That's fine but her reason was that person X would definitely 'cling' to her, upsetting mr. cheater. Mr. cheater, who in the past stated how he hated hanging out with her friends! Us! Why in the hell is he going in the first place since he would be surrounded by her friends!

I blew up. I said, "Fuck Mr. cheater! I'm fucking sick and tired of you always thinking about him first. Bye!" Then I hung up.

WTF! WTF! WTF EVER!

Would someone tell me how one could cling to a person who constantly cheats on them, make them feel like shit, not get along well with their friends, and lie to them? I don't care if he has any good points. The bad definitely outweighs the good. If there are any.

She tried calling me back at work. Told them to tell her that I was busy and that I would call her back. Left a message on my voicemail telling me that she took care of it and to not bother calling me back tonight, with an acid tongue. So I decided not to go. After talking to a few friends that were going, we (believe me, I didn't force them one bit) decided to go with my co-workers who were going to a different rafting venue. Then I texted her stating that I and 6 others would not be joining them leaving out the detail that we're going somewhere else.

Am I bitter? Fuck yeah! To me, she would rather be with him and forget about us. I love her and will be with her during hard times but not this one. It is the last straw.

Did you hear...

2006-07-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

About the guy who contracted an STD from his blow-up doll? Apparently, the doll was cheating on him.

--I know totally gross. Who would use someone else's toy?

Oh what the heck...The Dreaded List

2006-07-01T02:47:00.000-07:00

1. I'm named after my father. Which means, I'm a Junior.

2. Relatives call me Jonjon.

3. Since moving to the US, a lot of people couldn't pronounce my name right. To make it easier for them and to my ears, I ask them to call me Jake instead.

4. Even as a little boy, I was cognizant of the fact that my attraction to boys/men made me different.

5. I went into the closet when in Kindergarten, an aunt asked me who was my 'crush' in my class. Upon explaining to me what it meant, with much glee, I mentioned a boys name. Met with tsk(s), head shakes, and some nervous laughter then further told me that it should be of the opposite sex. Absolutely confused and aware that something was awry, I blurted out the name of the smartest girl in class.

6. I had the faintest recollection of being 'played' with by an older male, a very distant relative. And remembering the pleasures instead of shame.

7. First time I got drunk was when I was 7 years old. Courtesy of some tomboyish girl whose family was visiting.

8. I went to Catholic school from k-2nd grade. Was awarded 'Most Courteous' for 2 years.

9. Always ate my veggies.

10. Learned how to cook by watching my grandma and other female relatives. (Except my mother, who can not cook for shit!)

11. Ate ketchup sandwiches when I was little.

12. After watching hot coal walkers on TV, I figured I could do it. Ended up burning both my feet.

13. Was not really that close to my dad growing up. But the thing I will remember most of him was how he had to carry me the whole time I was not able to walk because of #12.

14. My mom constantly remind me of how the back of my ears resembles that of my dad.

15. I have 3 brothers. 1 older, 2 younger.

16. My mom thought I was going to be a girl. Was going to name me Leonora June.

17. I have the habit of taking pictures but not developing them for quite some time. (years even)

18. Joined the Army right out of high school.

19. I didn't have any sexual thoughts the whole time I was in Basic Training. Was too focused on being a perfect Soldier.

20. Was stationed in Schweinefurt, Germany for 2 years. Conn Barracks.

21. Was deployed to Bosnia for 11 months.

22. Spent New Years Eve of 1996 in a bus full of soldiers at the Austria-Hungary border.

23. Had my first voluntary homosexual experience with another soldier. He was my best friend at the time.

24. Had my heart broken for the first time by the same guy when he told me he had a boyfriend back at home, and that it--me--was just for fun.

25. One of my sergeant's youngest son caught me during my first homosexual experience, he woke up from a bad dream looking for his mommy.

26. It was in their living room.

27. I have a dog. Her name is Miss Chess or MC.

28. I came out to my parents the same year Matthew Sheppard died. I was whoring around in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina that I didn't even hear about it until my mom mentioned the fact.

29. Upon hearing me state that I was gay, my dad told me to go talk to a priest.

30. My older brother cried when I told him.

31. Served in the Army for 5 years.

32. Got out in 1999.

33. I tried to commit suicide a week before my 22nd birthday. It was because of a guy.

34. His name is Scott. I still remember the first time we kissed. On his 21st birthday. Took him to his first gay bar, after one of my friends slipped and outed me. He is/was straight.

35. Have only been with three relationships. The longest last 6 months. He was 23 years my senior (nope, he was not a sugar daddy). He cheated on me with a future co-worker.

36. Once while drunk, I blurted out; "Even if I am gay, I would eat Shania Twain's pussy!"

37. For a while, my nickname was STP.

38. My blog is named after a Duncan Sheik song. "Mr. Chess".

39. When I was 5, I kissed a sleeping cousin on the lips. Last year, he told my older brother that he was awake the whole time.

40. I got my tongue pierced 2 months ago.

41. Sometimes I like to lay in bed with no lights on and listen to Linda Ronstadt sing Someone To Watch Over Me.

42. First time I had anal sex I thought I was doing it wrong. It felt like I was about to take #2.

43. I was so nervous the first time I went into a gay bar. Literally a few miles outside of Fort Bragg. Kept guzzling down hard alcohol and ended up in the back seat of a moving car giving someone a blowjob. Felt like trash the next day, left and never called him back.

44. I've met and took guys back to my barracks to have sex.

45. One time while rimming a guy, I found tp on my tongue. Now, I make sure they have just recently taken a shower or do the finger swipe before even attempting.

46. Best BJ I received was from a guy who looked like George Costanza. He lives in Virginia.

47. I love the feel of freshly shaven head.

48. Nothing gets me harder than a great kiss.

49. Worst kiss I've ever experienced was when the guy practically slobbered all over my nose.

50. Ponytails on guys are such turn-offs.

51. I once had foreplay (kissing, oral, etc.) with a guy but I refused to go further. Something felt wrong. I later found out he was positive. He never told me. I was sweating bullets the day I got my results back.

52. I am negative.

53. I've always trusted my instincts since then.

54. Once I purposely misled someone to have sex with his bestfriend in front of me with the thought that he would do it with me next. I never did. Somedays I wished I had.

55. I have been involved with 2 threesomes.

56. I like the smell of rubbing alcohol.

57. I love to cook. I cook in large quantities.

58. If time allows, I would be inside a grocery store for hours. I like to take my time examining things I would buy to cook.

59. I have a constant fear of growing old alone.

60. I am stubborn.

61. The longest time I haven't had sex is 5 years.

62. Got laid this past January. My first fellow Filipino.

63. When I was 8 or 9, my older brother and I would rent porno (this was in the Philippines) and watch it behind closed doors. He got caught one day. As punishment, my mom and 2 aunts watched it with him.

64. I've seen people die in front of me. They were jumping off a building during an earthquake back in 1989.

65. My family moved to Glendive, Montana in 1991. 2 years later, we moved to Lodi, California where my parents and 2 younger brothers still live.

66. I now reside in Stockton, California (20 miles from my parents') and my older brother in Minnesota.

67. I want to move to San Francisco next. Maybe by the end of the year.

68. I have the habit of agreeing to go to several functions in the same day.

69. I love to dance.

70. Popped my right knee out twice while dancing.

71. I like to sleep naked but don't.

72. I drink 5 espresso shots over ice with 2 equals.

73. I work too much.

74. I daydream too much.

75. I'm very loyal to my friends.

76. I sing karaoke only when I have alcohol in my system (don't we all?)

77. And I was born in 1977.

Bothersome Detail

2006-06-30T02:39:00.000-07:00

-->Going commando from time to time is fun. Make sure you wear button fly jeans. Yeah, zippers are a bitch!

I'm disturbed. As most (ok all!) of my friends know, I haven't "really" dated for almost 5 years. Yeah, I've 'talked' with other guys, but nothing anywhere serious. Every time they bother me by asking why, I just tell them that I haven't found the right guy yet. To my dismay, they just urge me to just get laid. These are my friends that I'm talking about.

It doesn't bother me coz I know I'm not that type of person (ok, anymore!) Lately, I've gotten the itch to start talking to guys again (must be my new tongue ring. ha! still not that type!) and have spoken with a few. Told some friends of this tidbit. Instead of being happy for me, they immediately ask what was wrong with the guy(s).

Huh?

Exactly my sentiment. Not wanting to hear what they meant, I asked anyway. Flea, my house mate, reasoned it as FEAR.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Further explaining that it is my way of protecting myself. Making up excuses why I would think the guy is not good for me or what I don't like about the person before even a big date, therefore I won't have to make an effort to get to know the guy better. My firewall. My fear of getting hurt...Again.

Sadly, I think she nailed this one on the head.

Yikes! Small World!

2006-06-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, I had a great time at Pride this year. Went with friends and became a shutterbug. Took pictures of everything and everyone. Specially guys who I thought were good looking/interesting (that is until my batteries ran out). Posted it online on my flickr.com account so I can share it with everyone/anyone who cared to look. But I wasn't expecting one of my object of desires to find himself posted on my site! HOW EMBARRASSING!

As luck would have it, he happens to just open up an account a few months back. Uh, huh. I know. But it seemed like he was more amused rather than violated. Thank goodness. Anyway, here's to Marco. ;-P

San Francisco Gay Pride 2006

2006-06-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics. Enjoy! Click on any of the pics to see the whole set.

Made My Day

2006-06-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

Opened up my email today and found an alert from Myspace that someone left me a message...I felt happy. Not that I have finally now have a chance to fulfill my dreams of becoming a call boy. Or that someone wants to pay me to have sex with them. But rather, someone is more pathetic than me. What the fuck was he thinking?

I should be insulted. I'm not. Actually, I feel pity (after laughing so hard) for the guy. WHAT HE FUCK WAS HE THINKING?

Am I wrong to go to his profile and check out his pic (which he has 4 of the same pic posted)? Finding out that he lives on the same city as I do (CREEPY). That he's a year younger than me (the bastard!) To see that he has 15 so-called friends and wonder how much they were paid to do the nasty. Incidentally, all were Latino thugs!

I would have turned a blind eye and help him work with his self-esteem but the fact that he can't spell for shit nor think that I'm straight, leaves me to believe that:

A) He can't read
B) His brain needed some oiling (gears aren't working)
C) Superficial and Perverted
D) Have recently jacked-off while looking at my pics (which is the worst, I mean who would masturbate looking @ me?)

Oh, well...I wish him the best to find that perfect straight/gay call boy to fuck him really good and pay REALLY GOOD MONEY! I just hope he wears a condom.

P.S. Who's sorry now?

TWENTY-NINE

2006-02-08T01:00:00.000-08:00

I have reconciled with myself that I am that old, so be it. One more year before the big...3-0! I am actually looking forward to this year. We'll see how it goes.

Am I that Jaded?

2006-01-25T03:04:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been glancing at pictures of men kissing. While they are great to look at...ok, fine! Fuckingly awesome to look at, I come to realize that all of those pics only gave me a sense of sexuality. To me, every single one of them (and I saw plenty), was more about the sex. It was titillating. It gave me a woodie.

But to my disbelief, I couldn't help but think, "Is that it? Are we all about sex?" Then I realized that OMFG! I have yet to see a picture of two men kissing where the first thing that enters my mind would be of L-O-V-E. Nothing! Nada! Not even when I see pictures of nuptuals/civil ceremonies. They are all for show, lust, sterile, or gay4pay. Cynical? I am flabbergasted. Could it be that I'm still hurting? Nah. It's just how I see things. Could it be true that what society sees of us is really our truth? That we are nothing but sexual...One would hope not.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that a man2man kiss can exude LOVE. I have felt/experienced it. It's one of those "It's-all-me-and-him-and-nothing-else-in-the-world-matters-only-we-exist-spinning-melding-huh-what-just-happened" kind. So I know it is possible.

It just bothers me that I have not seen one.

Big Whoop!

2006-01-22T17:27:00.000-08:00

Before anything else, yes I got laid...

HIGHLIGHTS:

Found out that turbulence still scare the shit out of me. Note to self: get Rx for Xanax!
Taipei Airport has free wifi internet! Thank You!
Ninoy Aquino International Airport smelled like a FISH Market! WTF?!
Filipino Drivers are CRAZY! Note to self: ask to increase dose of Xanax!
It's freaking Hot.
Thank goodness for AC!
After shower sweating is so overrated.
Brother's Wedding went without a hitch.
My wedding speech sucked ass!
I have tons and tons of relatives!
You will always have a relative(s) that just can't shut the fuck up. But I still love them.
Every 2 days I travelled.
First to Baguio. Wow, it has changed.
Seeing old classmates is very intimidating. Never did found the balls to go up to him.
Straight Uncles took me to a Strip Club. Both Female and Male! LOL
SM Baguio has Starbucks!
10 pesos for a penis key chain. Bought 20.
Next to Binmaley, Pangasinan.
Uncle's house is enormous!
Visited the graves of my paternal grandparents' and tita Del.
Ate goat and snails.
Found out my niece is a Lesbian!
Went to observe my uncle @ his place of work. He's a judge.
Official Language of the Philippine Court System? English.
Sat 5-7 feet away from 3 guys that were handcuffed together. All 3 being tried for murder. All 3 were smiling. The guards have the habbit of walking out of the courtroom.
Listening to the prosecutor gave me a headache. What did he say again?
Then back to Manila.
Went to a gay bar.
To Filipinos, a gay bar meant 'strip joint'.
Full frontal? yeah ummm.
Watch out for your beer before he dips...never mind.
Went to a comedy bar. Which comprised of effeminate gay men making a fool out of themselves. Surprisingly, was very entertaining.
Was hit on by a straight guy. I know, I was weirded out.
Fell in Lust.
Will definitely go back.
Soon.
One perk of going back to visit: finding old pics!

me and nana gunyang

me and joe

tita del and i

mom and i 1

mom and i 2

mama's boy

me and joe 1

me and joe 2

stranger, tita pres, tita ced, me

ate vernie, me, lenlen, donna, joe

joe and dad

mom

Been Back...

2006-01-18T06:11:00.000-08:00

but have been too busy @ work and sick to post hardly anything. also had to weed through hundreds of photos, which i tell ya, is very tedious if you ask me. but i do have things to say...you'll just have to wait.

one thing's for sure...i got my mojo back, and part of my self confidence.

Finally!

2006-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

Good lord, it took forever to finally have a time to myself, look for a wifi hotspot, then look for a prepaid wireless card, check email, and blog. Wedding went great thanks to the organizational skills of Jingle (my sister-in-law's sister). The only thing that didn't go as planned was that the priest got sick, so the wedding didn't start until much later when the replacement arrived. And my speech was a disaster. I don't want to even think about it. The worst thing is that it was all caught on tape. Oh well, it's not the first time that I embarrassed myself.

Current Keywords for My Blog

2006-01-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

For now, I have no comments...

Taipei!

2006-01-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

Just arrived Taipei a few minutes ago. First impression, never have a perfume/cologne counter meet new arrivals or they would think that Taipei smells like a very expensive whore who loves to dowse herself with parfum. Yech!

One thing I give them credit for is their "ezone". It's free! I like it even better than the T-Mobile hotspot.

Next stop...Manila!!!

I LOVE TMobile Hotspot!!!!

2006-01-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm @ SFO and I'm blogging. Good lord, the technology today! I can't believe I'm online. So...ummm. Anyway, there was this crazy white guy that was ahead of me that could talk a hind leg off a horse. Why do I always find the crazy people? They're drawn to me, I tell ya, like a moth to a flame. (Insert joke about 'Flamers'. Ha ha funny! Fuck YOU : P )

Drive was awesome. Stopped raining midway. Gorgeous sunset overlooking the mountains (or maybe hills) / Altamount (sp?) Pass. Checking in was another story. It sucked ass. Took me 2 hours to go through, it wouldn't have been half as bad but Yapper had to be infront of me. I thought he was on crank at first but further looking at him, made me just realize that he's just plain annoying. Maybe a nice guy, but he's such a bigot/racist. You should have heard him talk about some Pakistani in line. He talked about how one time, he had to change seats because one of them Paki's (his words) STANK LIKE A MUTHA! Could you tone it down a bit, I think they might have heard him. Great. I can't wait to board the plane.

Next stop, Taipei!

Here we go

2006-01-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm off to San Fran International Airport. It's raining cat's and dogs here. I'm a freaking mess. I look like a wet dog. Great way to start huh? Anyway, first I'm going to lunch with Norm. Ok, hopefully there's a way for me to blog even post pics...what the heck am I saying? Of course, there would be. Duh!

Crossing my fingers.

I Can't Sleep

2006-01-02T03:14:00.000-08:00

It's only 21 hours before my flight heading for Manila, Philippines and I'm wide awake. I didn't drink anything that had caffeine. Am I really that excited? Ok, it's been more than 14 years since I was there. A long time have I not seen my relatives and friends. Friends who I only talk to every now and then. Relatives 14 years older than I last saw them. New relatives that have been born to this world whom I have yet to meet. 14 years since I have been to the Nation that I called home. A Country, despite it's many downs than ups, still holds a special place to my heart.

HECK YEAH I'M EXCITED! And nervous at the same time

This Is Nice

2006-01-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

Dog gone it. That means I have to get out of the house today to see if this shit is true!

I hate doing this...

2006-01-01T14:55:00.000-08:00

I do! Friggin' New Year's Resolutions! Argh! Each year I tell myself I'm going to go through it all. That I'm going to stick with them this time. I should just not make a list on what I should be doing this following year. But I do it anyway. It's my kinky side, I'm a sucker for disappointments.

1. Eat less rice. (this will be tough)
2. Go to the gym. (I'm tearing up with laughter already)
3. Start running again. (have to buy new running shoes. yippee!)
4. Open myself up with the idea of dating again. (Note: don't lower your standards)
5. Spend less, save more money. (although am allowed to shop when there is a sale)
6. Stop being attracted to men who are assholes, in the closet, bitchier than me, liars, cheaters, recently single, "not quite" divorced yet, guys who love fisting (I just can't), emotional fuckwits (thank you Bridget Jones), ~~narcissistic~~ make that less narcissistic, and druggies.
7. Make time to walk MC to the park. (i'm sorry MC)
8. Drink less beer.
9. Stop buying porn! (ummm no comment)
10. Write more often. (ie emails, poetry, letters, etc.)
11. Soak feet at the end of the day. (you should see them!)
12. Get contacts.
13. Call Tony to say I'm sorry. (long story)
14. Call Aaron to say I'm sorry. (longer story)
15. Go to Mexico with Jodi.
16. Read more books than last year.
17. Keep pinky swear with Dove'x.
18. Take more pictures.
19. Travel more.
20. And Blog more often. (we'll see how this one goes)

So far that is it. Looks short but there are a lot of tough ones. Hopefully, I will follow through. If not...oh well...there is Next Year.

Please Don't Take Away My Gay Card!

2005-12-30T04:33:00.000-08:00

Shit shit shit shit shit! I didn't mean to, but I think I did a very bad thing. A BIG NO NO! I may have been generous to someone who's homophobic. Dog fucking gone it! Yeah, file it under WTF Was I Thinking! (Personally, I think that file drawer is almost full.) There goes my Gay Karma.

Shit, I'm not going to have sex this year coming up! Not that I have been for the past 5 years. (And I don't need your pity.) I could have but chose not to fuck around. But now that I have done this heinous deed, I may not have that choice. I will be the Ultimate Gay Pariah! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

What is the deed, you ask? I'm not going to tell you. Am I being a Drama Queen? Why the fucking hell not? My Gay membership assures me that I get to have a Fabulous Gay Breakdown from time to time. Ack! I seriously need to think things through first before acting. I mean I should have learned from the 'tp' incident after rimming this one guy. Yuck! I mean I have done it plenty, I mean I...never mind.

Whew. Next!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2005-12-24T13:46:00.000-08:00

The Mischievous Boys

2005-12-24T02:47:00.000-08:00

Just 4 Asian guys lip-synching (or try horribly) to pop songs. You have to at least watch one. It's sooo bad I'm sooo hooked. Never have I laughed so hard and felt horny afterwards. And to think that they live less than an hour away. I think I may actually have met one already (Joseph), he looks so darn familiar.

One video actually featured all of them--topless. I thought it was going to turn into some amateur gay porn! Haayyy! It didn't but it still got the job done. They're all hot! Still, it bothers me that they misspelled 'mischievous' as 'mischievious'. On purpose maybe? Oh well.

Playing With Yourself Got A Little Weirder

2005-12-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

What are they going to come up next? I don't know though...the french guy is such a turn on! That is until he started speaking english.

Thanks to The Peculiar One for the link.

Roommate Quips #2

2005-12-20T03:01:00.000-08:00

Sometime today @ work, I see Flea walking, mumbling to her self, and looking upset.

Me: What's wrong?
Flea: Nothing...
(I was going to go back to typing when...)
Flea: I'm just PMSing! (ahhh)
Me: (giving the "I really don't like to hear this one bit" look)
Flea: And I was craving chocolate but I pushed the wrong button and got a healthy fruit bar thingy!
Me: (I shouldn't...Oh well, started laughing out loud that if I were drinking something, I'm pretty sure it would shoot out of my nostrils)
Flea: Shut up! It was like a sign from God!

Yikes!

2005-12-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

After 3 years of silence, I finally called my wife. At first, I tried to get my co-workers to call for me pretending to be insurance agents trying to confirm my marital status for some cheaper rate kinda deal, she didn't answer any of their calls. Apparently, she doesn't answer calls with blocked numbers. I guess I'm just so nosy that I want to know. Well, out of curiosity, I called her myself thinking she wouldn't answer the phone. Ofcourse, someone did. And it was a guy!?

GUY: Hello?
Me: (must be her dad) May I speak with _______?
GUY: Yeah, hold on.
Wife: Hello?
Me: _______?
Wife: Yes, who's this?
Me: Your HUSBAND!
Wife: OMG! Hey ___(GUY'S name) it's my husband! (then you hear baby crying)
Me: Who was that?
Wife: My BOYFRIEND and now you hear our 15 month old (THEIR) son.
Me: So you really want a divorce now, huh?

And so it goes. Blah, blah, blah...Fill in the blanks. Then it was decided that sometime next year (maybe March), I will be flying to Chicago to finalize our divorce. I should have known this would happen. I mean she did tell me last time we talked that she had a thing for giving head. I'm like HELLO! She is not a die hard lesbian after all.

Aqualung

2005-11-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

Let me just say that I love this guy's voice. Love it!

The Dog Did It!!!

2005-11-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

For several minutes, I kept smelling dog doodoo. And for the life of me, I could not find it. I've searched high and low. Behind the couch, under the table, in the hallway, behind the door, next to the fridge, and under my sandals. Nada. Meanwhile, Miss Chess (MC, my dog) is right with me checking along.

I kept sniffing, the odor is there but where's the turd. Ugh! It was bugging the hell outta me. I even thought it was my roomie's dog (Duchess) that pooped. Duchess has the habit of pooping discreetly. Then my lovely dog let out a loud and big fart. Light Bulb!

MC, you dirty bitch!

Where's the Bulb?

2005-11-02T01:06:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently started dating a Bulgarian which we will now call Poplov. One night while sitting on our couch in the living room, he happen to find a little blue thing-a-ma-jig right next to him. Upon closer inspection, he deduced that it was a flashlight. It did omit a miniscule amount of light. Started fiddling with it, wondered why it would not cast a brighter light. Later he told my friend (the one he is dating) that the little flashlight wasn't much of a flashlight and showed it to her. She started laughing.

Apparently, he mistook Roomie2's pocket rocket (mini vibrator) as a means for illumination.

Roommate(s) Quips #1

2005-10-31T22:39:00.000-08:00

Me: So, did you guys do it?

Roomie1: No (sad face). We didn't have any condoms!

Me: What? Why didn't you ask me for some?

Roomie2: Jake, what the hell is Flea gonna do with a 5 year old condom?

Yeah, Roomie2 is just a funny bitch! Note: Sarcasm

...

2005-10-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

Why do you do this to me? Who the hell do you think you are? I'm not just a toy that you can cast aside and take out whenever you feel like it. I feel like shit. You make me feel like shit. Stop bothering me! I said I'm fine. I'm always fine. I'll be fine. No, really. I always cry afterwards. It helps. You should try it. Why? I did everything right. I deserve being happy. I'm afraid that I can never be happy. I FUCKING HATE YOU! I Fucking Hate You! i fucking hate you. You never did love me. I know that now. You never will. You are free. Atlast, I am free.

You can start beating again...

Are gay men really that bitter?

2005-10-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

Why is it accepted for gay men to be bitchy? Is it because we are retaliating from all the years of abuse by our peers and even our families? Do we really personify the divaness we mean to achieve? I don't get it. It's sad really. While it is funny and makes your friends laugh from time to time, being a bitch 24/7 does seem to take its toll unto others. Don't get me wrong, an attitude is ok but too much of it is...too much.

A message to all gay men, tone down the bitchiness. You probably just turned off the perfect guy.

I think I may have.

You Can't Have Your Bitch and Eat Me Too!

2005-10-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

What my lesbian roommate should have said to her two-timing lesbian lover.

2005-10-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Well, it seems like the bots have found me! Damn spammers.

Chick Magnet

2005-10-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

My karma is definitely out of whack as of late. I like the attention and all but women?!!! Yeah, women! So far, I know about 3. Two of them happen to be classmates of mine (Economics--Macro). Both sit on either side of me. How do I know that they 'like' me that way? Well, it's all the giggles, the hair flipping, the flirting, and their voices. I can tell. And it irritates the fucking hell out of me. Funny thing is, I don't have the heart to tell them that I like dick too. Sooner or later, I have to tell them. My plan, would be to wear my "Swallows" tee shirt on the last day of class, then maybe they can take the hint.

The other girl, I just recently found out. Apparently, this new girl at work have a crush on me. I don't know who because the informer doesn't want to tell me. She (informer) said that the girl (drooling over me) told them that I was cute and was later embarrassed when they told her that I was a fudgepacker/packee. It was then decided (by the droolee) that I should never ever know of her identity. Yeah right, I'm sure all I have to do is wear my hottest outfit (one that accentuates my ass and upper body (HA!) and go to each and every girl at work to find out who would swoon. The thing that disturbs me the most is that how in the hell did she not know? I mean I not a big nelly but I'm totally out at work. I'm sure she's heard me hum or belt out a show tune from time to time. And flirt with other guys at work. How can you not know?

Was she that blinded from my beauty that she didn't recognize my affinity to all things fabulous, but disregarded it instead as being in good taste?

Yeah, I'm talking right out of my ass.

You Know What To Do

2005-09-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

To Cupid: "Throw Me A Bone, Will Ya!"

2005-09-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

Sigh, It's been such a long time since I've kissed a man. I mean, really really KISS A MAN. The initial hesitation; wondering what kind of kiss the other prefer. Should I be rough? Soft, gentle on the lips? Does he like it when I suck on his tongue? Would he like it if I stick my tongue inside his mouth and go exploring? Nibbles? Wet or dry? Quiet? Or should I start making lapping noises? I actually dated someone who loved it when I make wet smacking noises whenever I kissed him, he said it turned him on. I thought, "Why not?"

There were only a few guys that I've locked lips with and thought 'blah'. One guy kissed as if he was chewing cud. Another pressed his lips so hard against mine that I swore I tasted blood. And once I thought I was kissing a dog named Charles, he was slobbering so much that to save the night, I had to feign interest and have him blow me instead. Which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Good Charlie, good boy!

I'm not asking for much. Not even sex. Just to remember how a kiss from a man feels. How it would excite me, give me a sense of euphoria and contentment. How it would give me an instant smile and make everything better. The faint smell of aftershave/cologne. The stubble that rubs against my face. The tender side. The rough I-Wanna-Fuck-You-Now way of kissing. The I-Love-You moment.

Egads!

2005-08-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

I survived the First week of school and I think I may have lost my mind. I'm practically a full time student (12 units) and yet work 40+ hours a week. No wonder I'm a little bit under the weather. I'm so sick right now that if I stop sniffling for one second, snot would run out my nose. I know! And to think that I was going to sign up for 2 more classes. Anyway, eye candy galor! I feel like a dirty old man! All the young but hotties! I don't even have to turn my head to follow, someone better is always bound to be in my field of vision.

What's Been Goin' On?

2005-08-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

SHORT STORY: Helped a friend move out of apartment after her fiance called the cops on her. Went swimming then passed out not able to wake up to go to Davis,CA. Read 4 books (reviews to come). Saw 3 movies. Sang karaoke BADLY! Got drunk and drunk-dialed an Ex. Registered to go back to school. Bought plane tickets to the Phils for January. Bought tickets to Gwen Stefani's concert on Oct 23. Got partially molested (ok he just rubbed himself on me, like he wanted me to feel him up, which I did) by the 'other' gay man (the one that didn't want to meet me) at the 'straight' bar. And somehow got both of my best friends upset with me. Also, there is still that RSVP (my friend Jenice's wedding) that I have to mail out tomorrow. Good lord, did I book the hotel? Ugh!

Definitely not a blonde

2005-07-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's a given, you're bound to see something you're disgusted with whenever you use a toilet other than your own. Case in point; today at work after lunch, I had the sudden urge to use the facilities. It was #2 (Damn those tacos!) Thankfully, I have with me the latest Out magazine (damn that Graham Ackerman is a hottie) to help me pass the ummm time. So off I go. As I posted before, we have two sets of bathrooms (for both sexes); one set is found in the office proper where more than one person can be doing their business, and another set located in the warehouse where there is space for one occupant. I tend to use the one in the warehouse for obvious reasons.

Immediately upon entering, I had the sudden realization that someone at work has a nasty sense of humour. On the toilet seat sat a clump of pubic hair ball. I'm not kidding, it was a BALL. At first, I thought maybe it was an orgy of daddy long legs fucking on the toilet seat but upon close inspection, it was confirmed by my own eyes that it was in fact made up of extremely curly pubic hair.

What to do? The genius in me thought, what if I open the bathroom door vigorously creating pockets of air waves then maybe I can fluff the floss-down-under into the bowl. Some temps were walking by and started giving me these looks probably wondering what kind of place did their agency put them to work at. Gave them a smile and a wave. Told them that I wasn't playing tag with the toilet. They just smiled back nervously. So I lied, told them there was a bee. Which relaxed them some what and kept on walking. I ended up fanning my mag over the darn thing, yet still the clump sat vigilantly never loosing its grip on the throne. My stomach then reminded me why I was there in the first place. Grabbed a large amount of toilet paper and proceeded to wipe the seat (making sure to catch the hair clump) and flushed the toilet. I then sprayed the seat with Lysol, wiped it dry, laid down a toilet seat cover, and proceeded to do my thang.

Back at work, I kept eye contact whenever I spoke with a male co-worker in hopes of catching the guilty party. Maybe I can give out a vibe saying that I know what they left on the toilet, then maybe he would pour out his confessions and beg for my forgiveness. Nope, it didn't work.

New Look!

2005-07-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

I was getting bored with the old template and happen to stumble upon this one. Thank goodness it's free! LOL I know, I'm so cheap! I really like this one. What do y'all think? I know I have to fix some things here and there, heck I need to figure out how to manipulate some html! Zzzz

Anyway, tell me what you like or dislike. Even suggestions (so long as you tell me how to do it!)

Update: I am actually 'talking' to someone over the phone. Quite giddy. Feel like I'm in high school again. And no, it's not the same guy. I know, I'm such a tramp! He sounds great. Can't wait for that first date, then we'll see if there's a real spark. Crossing my fingers...

PS Justin, sorry to use your pic. Thought it was most appropriate! LOL

My Parents

2005-07-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

Happy 30th Wedding Anniversary

For Our Survival

2005-07-19T00:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, I almost forgot how 10 k felt. Sunday was a reminder that one should wear comfortable shoes when one is about to walk oh ummm...10 kilometers. Not to mention that it was in SanFran. It was also a reminder not to drink/party excessively the night prior to a strenuous event. To wear sunscreen. I'm not trying to complain. In fact, I am proud and elated that I completed the 10k AidsWalk. I had fun and saw plenty of eye candy. It also felt like I accomplished something.

I'm just thankful that my friend came along or I would have done the walk by myself. My team leader and his friends (practically the whole darn team, minus me) were still on the muni as my friend and I were passing the first checkpoint. They were late. Oh well, they didn't get to see Rita Moreno's oration (wow), Hal Spark's wit (looking faux gay as ever), Jai Rodriguez' charm (he's actually cuter in person), Thora Birch's clumsy but cute turn at the podium (she's petite...), Deborah Gibson singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" (she's blond and you can definitely hear that 'Broadway' tone of singing from her) and Mayor Gavin Newsom's uberpersonality (I was very impressed!)

Definitely doing it again next year. Maybe form my own team. Be more prepared. Well rested. Healthier.

I would like to give thanks to those who sponsored me, which all in all totaled to more than $700!

Trapped with blue balls

2005-07-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

Last week, I did the unthinkable. I gave someone my phone number and email. The craziest thing is that he's normally not what I'm attracted to. He hasn't called and it's driving me nuts. Gawd, what if he thought I was too forward? Maybe, he thinks that I'm one of those barflies that give their info to everyone. Ugh, of all places, it was at a gay bar! He does think I'm a slut! Dog gone it! Or maybe, I wasn't slutty enough for him! He was probably waiting for me to give him a kiss when we said our goodbyes. Since I am a prude, therefore not giving him the tongue. What if he wanted a bj right then and there? Yeah, right! Fuck him, I lost interest anyway. : )

Good lord, I do need to get laid!

Cow Tipper

2005-07-09T00:23:00.000-07:00

That's Kevin. He's cornfed. From Iowa. Met him when I was still working at Barnes and Noble a few years back. Really cool guy, although very eccentric. First time I ever saw him drunk, he all of a sudden would announce to everyone and noone in particular that he would now commence to 'commune' with the ground. Then there was last year, where he wanted to take a picture of himself burried with lots and lots of taco wrappers from Jack in the Box. Did I mention that he was untouched when he moved to Cali? Not anymore of course, he became quite the player. Or so he says.

Anyway, this summer, he took a job that allowed him to visit. Packed his suitcase and his precious Geo Metro, and drove to the west promoting Apple technologies. He only had a few days but they were fun. If only he took his friend along. Same time next year, mon ami?

Pride 2005...Photologue (is that even a word?) The blah story...

2005-07-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

I often wonder what's the official gay anthem.

Dove'x picked me up. While on our way we discussed that since it was Pride, we should somehow show our Pride.

Oh Yes We Did!!!

Stopped by the next WalMart and bought white shoe polish. Yes, it said: "Pride or Bust"

Atleast it was a rental.

Don't ask. Pussy will do anything for a photo-op!

Ah. Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Then this shit happens!

Being that it was Friday, I had a bloody mary.

Unfortunately, had too much and started thinking I was a model.

Mario, Dove'x, Jodi, and Tony
Saturday, we walked from Broadway (in Van Ness) to Castro.

An Old man and 2Gay boys. The old guy was dancing alone showing his ass to everyone. Of course, the gay boys started dancing with him freaky. The old man didn't like it at all.

Cute!

Returned to the hotel/inn to freshen up and change for the Pink Party. Tony Passed out, the day wasn't even over yet! Jodi practicing her moves in the hotel balcony.

Deciding that walking again was not an option, We took the bus.

Yeah, We're pervs!

Aww, Toners!

Steph was hot!

Don't mind Jodi.

The Pink Party

Got invaded by lesbians at night.

Pride Sunday

Still Not Sure What Pride Means? Maybe This Would Help...

Coming soon!

2005-07-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

Ok. Pride pics are up at my flickr.com account. So, hopefully by Wednesday night/ Thursday morning, I will be posting them in my blog with comments. It's been a hectic week since Pride Weekend! I can't wait to finally share them!

Happy 4th!

2005-07-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

Gay Pride San Francisco 2005

2005-06-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

Check list:

hotel reservation
car
moolah
friends
pink party clothes
walking around the city clothes
sunday pride gear
travel grooming kit
booze
pepcid ac
socks
sexy underwear
pj(s)
condoms (just in case)
~~mr big stuff (just in case nothing happens)~~
rosie palmer and her 5 sisters (embarrassed that someone might see mr big stuff)
Mr. Chess (still looking)

Leaving for San Francisco @10am Friday morning. I know it doesn't officially start until Saturday but as I was trained in the military, I like to go in early and scope out the territory! I'm actually very excited. Not because it's Gay Pride, but because I'm going to be with lots of friends this year. And for most of them, it will be their first time going!

Also, I will be canvasing for people to sign up for the AidsWalkSF during pride (1:30-3:30pm)! Hope to see ya guys there!

PS I'm such a Liberal!

Flea Asleep In My Car

2005-06-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

Things like this make my friends want to strangle me!

Flea awakens

2005-06-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

I love go.blogger.com!

Lesbian between my legs!

2005-06-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

That's Jen. She's a pro!

Where...in Lodi, CA!

2005-06-10T01:16:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my town has been the talk of the nation. Thanks to recent news. If ever the allegations are proven to be true, why Lodi? Well, duh! Strategically, Lodi is the perfect spot for terrorists and commuters. We're 45 minutes away from Sacramento (the capital of California), less than 2 hours away from San Francisco and Silicon Valley, 5 hours drive to Las Vegas, 3 hours drive to Reno, and pretty much near everywhere else. So is it surprising to find Al Qaeda cells forming in Lodi? In theory, no. But to actually hear/see it happening, is very shocking.

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I signed up for Aids Walk San Francisco July 17, 2005.

Do something! Join a team, sign up for one, or you can help my team! I hate asking for money but this is for a CAUSE. Click here to help my team and myself reach our goal!

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Coming out is a constant thing. Every time you meet new people there is that moment where you 'come out' all over again. It could be, "Hi, I'm gay, name's Jake! Yours?" or "Oh fuck yeah, I love Madonna!" But I never would have guessed that I would come out 'again' to drunk college students while playing Kings Cup, a drinking game. It seems that if whenever someone draws a 7 card, we would then each state "I have never..." and if you have done what that person stated that he/she has never done, you drop one finger. And if your hand turns into a fist, meaning there you were the first person to have done 5 things. You drink. It turns out, not a lot of people at my table has:

1) Taken it up the ass
2) Given another guy a blowjob (there were girls)
3) Had a homosexual experience
4) Licked an asshole (another guy said yes, very promising)
5) Had sex outside
6) Swallowed
7) Had sex with shoes on
8) Masturbated in the tub

Yeah, I was sticking out like a big sore thumb in the group. One girl actually stated that she should take me back to their side. Bitch what? I was thinking, if I ever wanted twat, it will never EVER be from your crusty clam! Oh well, atleast the guys thought I was cool. They never thought a gay man could out chug them.

They're just inexperienced boys!

Blast from the Past

2005-06-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm still awake. Ugh. Have been surfing the net. Spent $100(+) worth of tees and stumbled upon this:

Wear sunscreen...

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

by Mary Schmich

I can't believe it's been 8 years since this came out. I was part of the majority who believed it was penned by Kurt Vonnegut. And why not? I have read all his books and figured I was somewhat of an authority; knowing his quirks and written wit. Alas, I was bamboozled like everyone else. Loved it the first time I've read it and still do.

Now if only George had someone tell him this when he was younger!

File this under: WTF Was I Thinking!

2005-06-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

It's now 11:51 pm. 30 minutes ago I was craving a venti iced caramel macchiato; quad shot, soy, no whip. So I thought, "Why not?" And drove to the nearest Starbucks which just happens to be open 24 hours. I finished drinking the whole damn thing within 3 minutes.

I have the nagging feeling that I'm going to regret it.

Chapter One cont'd...

2005-06-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular beliefs, I never saw the light at the end of a tunnel or that of my life flashing before my eyes. I really thought I was going to die that day. I didn't think about what happens after death before nor during my suicide attempt. When I regained consciousness two days later on a hospital bed, I didn't receive any heavenly or spiritual dawning. Instead I found myself peeing through the catheter that was still connected to my bladder. I was awaken three hours later by a female nurse casually pulling the tube out of my penis. The pain was so unbearable that I fainted back to sleep. A different nurse woke me up for my first meal. A covered tray was brought before me. I wasn't hungry, in fact I felt full. Still I checked what was on the menu. It was a good thing that I didn't feel like eating. Before me were a tiny glass of orange juice and water, along with what seems to be vegetable soup containing a pea, a bean, and a sliver of carrot, and a bowl of watery red jello.

I was consistently tired the first day after waking up. I kept dozing off intermittently. Whenever I'm awake, I familiarize myself with my surroundings. The whir of machines, the tacky green colored curtains that enclosed the area of my bed giving me an air of semi privacy. Comings and goings of medical personnel. Sometimes I could hear them gossiping, once they were chatting about what I presumably did to be in this state.

"I could hear you." I hoarsely shouted. To my dismay, they just shushed me right back and reminded me that there were other patients in the ward.

Tubes and needles were still poking me all over my arms. I was admiring the IV that was stuck in the back of my right hand when a male nurse I've never seen before opened up my curtain and began flipping through my charts. A smile on his face.

"Good morning. I see you're up and about." He was handsome. I was suddenly aware that I was not wearing any underwear underneath my robes that were riding up my thighs. I was trying to stealthily cover myself when he moved to my right side.

"Don't bother. I need to put my hand up your robe anyway to check your stomach." That didn't stop me. I was tugging one last time when he snatched my right arm and brought it up to heart level and proceeded to take my pulse. I was startled, not because of his abruptness but because I could now feel my testicles and patches of my organ exposed to the cold air. After he was done, he scribbled something down on my chart then lifted my robe until his calloused and very cold hands were touching my abdomen. As I gasped, he began to knead and press all over.

"Does this hurt?"

"No."

"How about here?"

"No."

"Here?"

"A little but not really."

"Hmmm. You seem to be doing fine. Don't worry about the latter. It's just the charcoal." He said and started scribbling again on the chart.

"Charcoal?"

"Yes. After they pumped out your stomach--which by the way they found 20 muscle relaxants and 30 codeine tables--in went the charcoal to absorb the rest of the poison that were already broken down and may have been left still."

"Oh." Was all I could say. I was imagining the charcoal churning in my belly and wondered if they used briquette. He must have known what I was thinking as I rubbed my stomach when he said, "It's the powder and paste kind. It will pass through your system in a few days. You'll have one hell of a time when you first take a dump." Once more eh gave me his smile. He was really good looking. I'm sure he wasn't coming on to me. He is a soldier like myself and is probably trying to comfort me with his small talk. It was working. I saw him the next two days. Always with a smile on his face. Calling me by my first name which he constantly mispronounced and corrected each time. The name on his tag was Landoll. Eaton is his first.

The last time I saw him at the hospital, he was pulling a night shift and would stop by every two hours to check up on me and chat.

"Still awake?" Poking his head in between the curtains. It was a little after 2 o'clock but seeing his wide eyes expecting, woke me up instantly.

"How many cups?"

"6 but that's not the question. Are you awake?"

"I'm talking to you, aren't I? What's your diagnosis?"

"All right smart ass. Just for that I'll pencil in an order for an enema. STAT."

I laughed and was instantly shushed as he pulled a chair next to my bed. We talked for almost an hour. He said that he didn't need to do anything until his rounds 15 minutes before 4 o'clock. He told me not to eat the cake for the next day since the 'nasty' cook was working the night prep. Whom he once caught scratching the inside of his pants while kneading biscuits. He also told me a story about a patient who fell on his ass and ended up having a second hole. The patient was then carried by his wife and neighbor to the emergency room wherein the physician's assistant patched up the extra hole. Unfortunate for the patient, the PA was laughing so hard that he accidentally patched the wrong hole and had to redo the procedure.

The conversation went melancholy when he recounted the last time he worked on ER duty. The night was awfully quiet and slow. A few of the staff had started playing scrabble whine on-call residents retired to a room to catch much need shut-eye when they were notified of an accident. An unlucky motor cyclist was sideswiped by a car as it was making a right turn. The biker and his bike was run over, trapped under, and was dragged a good 80 feet before the driver of the car managed to stop. The biker should have died but he was still breathing and coherent by the time the paramedics arrived. He was conscious as they wheeled him in the ER but started coughing up enormous amounts of blood and later died, 5 minutes from the moment nurses and doctors started working on him.

"So, why did you do it? Everybody is saying that you were drunk. Your blood alcohol level was 0.06 and that you mistakenly drank the pills. I think it's about something else."

"I don't know. I wasn't drunk. I was sober." I turned on the TV hoping he would drop the question.

"Ok. I wont bother you anymore. It is the last day that you're staying here."

"I'm not going to see you again? I mean, I'm leaving the hospital?"

"No. They're just moving you to the 4th floor for further evaluations. As for seeing you again, maybe we will. Here's hoping that it's not back here." He had his hand on the curtain, about to make his exit, when he turned back towards me.

"One more thing. The next time you feel like doing this again, make sure you go talk to somebody instead. If not this Crousteau you've been calling in your sleep, find someone else. Just don't do it again. Ok?"

I didn't know what to say. I was just hoping that nobody else heard me talking in my sleep. If word got out that I was calling Crousteau's name, someone in my chain of command might go find out who he was to me. Killing myself was one thing but to be found that I was gay would be detrimental to my career and his. All hell would break loose.

"I...I..."

"No one else knows. Just promise."

"Promise." With my word, he left, closing the curtains behind him.

I never did see him again. I thought I did once while getting a hair cut. I still think of him from time to time. He was the only one outside selected friends and my mother that knew of the reason why I tried to kill myself that day. I never did get to thank him. I hope he reads this someday. Thank you.

To be cont'd...

Bear With Me On This One...

2005-05-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

Chapter One

I tried to commit suicide a week before my 22nd birthday. It was over something stupid, I fell for a guy. He was my world, I was just a convenience. I didn't know what I was thinking. It was 5 o'clock in the morning, I got back in my room three hours earlier. I decided to go out the night before. It was on a week night, the bar was sparsely occupied. I usually drink beer, but that night I was thirsting for hard liquor. So I got myself piss drunk. I drank 13 Long Island Ice Teas.

I can't recall much of what happened that night except throwing up in front of my barracks as soon as I got out of the taxi. The guy on fire guard duty asked me if I needed help going to my room. I declined. I wanted to be alone and spent the next few minutes climbing (almost to a crawl) to the second floor before turning towards the latrines. One of the guys from my company later informed me that he found me lying inside one of the stalls, my head resting behind the bowl. He then helped me, dragged me to my room and onto my bed.

I then woke up by the sound of my alarm blasting. It was a weird feeling, I felt no emotion whatsoever. I found myself going through my routine; washed my face, shaved, brushed my teeth, and donned my uniform. I should have gone on my way and reported for duty but all I did was sit on my bed and look out the window. I glanced at my clock and noticed that I was already an hour late. I must have zoned out. I knew I didn't fall asleep because I was still sitting. I didn't care. It hit me that nothing mattered anymore. It was so quiet. I could see cars coming and going but didn't hear them. My roommates were still asleep, they wouldn't wake up for another two hours for physical training.

I felt sober. I knew what I was doing from the moment I woke up. I was very aware even though I lacked some of my normal senses. I distinctly remember taking two pill bottles, opening them and swallowing all their contents. I couldn't explain why I did it except that it felt right at the time. I didn't even question myself whether I was making a mistake or think about the consequences. For me, it was like a new addition to my routine.

I laid back down to my bed and waited for the sleep to take over me.

I was in a haze when I heard voices around me. I can tell they were that of my roommates and one of my sergeants. I think they were trying to wake me up. I wanted to say that I can hear them, that I was awake but I couldn't. My sergeant was starting to sound really ticked off.

"Specialist Ferdinand, you better fucking wake up! Don't pretend that you're passed out. Just remember who you're dealing with. I said to wake up!" He kept repeating that I was pretending to be asleep and would occasionally shake me violently. Once, he slapped me in the face but I didn't feel any of it. I just knew what was happening around me.

He ordered one of my roommates to open the window then felt myself begin to tremble uncontrollably. Yet inside, I was calm. I then heard my roommate James saying out loud, "Oh my God. He must have taken the pills!", finally seeing the empty bottles lying on the floor. Persistent, my sergeant kept on insisting that I was still pretending. Doubt has crept up in his voice. I assume James must have heard it too since he told my other roommate to call the medics.

I heard the sirens as they were coming. My sergeant was now in hysterics. Suddenly, I felt the presence of others hovering above me and was fully aware of what they were doing to me. After all, I was a combat medic, went through some basic training to perform first aid during war times. I, along with other soldiers, sometimes practiced on each other but most of the time used a life-sized dummy to practice with. In a sense, I became the dummy. They were talking about my pulse rate, how fast and shallow it felt. My pupils were dilated but I didn't see any of them looking at my eyes. I heard my boot laces and belt being cut away, my clothes being torn. They must have started sticking an IV on me as I heard my sergeant gasp and then silenced. The voices of the medics were a bit strained. No doubt trying to remember everything they've learned during their Advanced Individual Training (AIT) on what to do in an emergency situation. They kept encouraging me to hang on. Soothing voices. I wanted to acknowledge them.

As they were carrying me out of my room, I heard my shift leader, Sergeant First Class Crate's voice booming over everything, "This is my soldier and I'll be damned if I leave without seeing him!", after being told that only medics were allowed. She was always looking out for me. I felt glad that she was there. I haven't told her that I knew she held my hand briefly and whispered, "You better live Specialist. Or else!" To which she added, "We'll be praying for you. Come back soon, you here." (It still brings me to tears.)

I started going in and out of consciousness...I heard the driver radio the hospital about my condition...The J-tube being forced to open up my air way...Several times...I passed out the third time they tried.

I woke up when I was being wheeled in the ER. Then a catheter being shoved through my urethra. Afterwards, I felt my body stiffen, the balls of my feet and shoulders touching the table as the rest of my body arched. Next, I heard a male voice hovering above my head running his hand through my hair trying to calm me down. I remember that I started to panic. I had that sudden realization of not being able to move. I wanted to sit up, determined. I could not. I cried. I was pleading through the breathing mask, against the tubes in my throat to please help me. Focusing on his voice, I kept trying to ask him for help but ended up choking and panicking even more. Then total darkness.

To be continued...

I Fell In Love with a Bitch

2005-05-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

I know, such horror! But can you blame me?

Not her silly! That's Flea! It's another bitch that I'm in love with...

Her name is Miss Chess...MC for short

She's trying to emulate Flea (first pic), freaky!

Mr. Pharmacy 2005

2005-05-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

17 May 2005. Tuesday, marks the day University of the Pacific's first ever Mr. Pharmacy. My friend Poo Shy and myself were giddy with excitement. You see, one of the interns that worked with us was going to participate in the pageant and boy is he a hot guy. So you can imagine when he told us that he was going to parade in speedos. Sold! We immediately turned in our time off request forms!

It turns out, it wasn't a serious pageant at all. More like a fundraiser/comedy skit. Funny stuff, kinda reminded me of high school. Ok maybe a fraternity shindig. I still have fun. Also took pictures. Here:

All the candidates on the stage feeling they're sexier than their shirts

Did I mention Doctoral Candidates in their swim wear?

Ummm...

Truthfully, that don't impress me much! I would be wearing that mask as well!

I swear I was not at a stripper convention!!!

Here's our friend John. Supposedly, this is his European look. Exactly where? I don't know.

Cutie singing. If you can call it singing. Definitely a cutie when he stopped umm singing.

John wearing prosthetic teeth and goggle glasses. Also showing off his Latin camel toes.

Then from out of the blue, his cutie of a son joins him on stage! 1 2 3...Awww!

Supposedly, this guy is showing the crowd how to make Macaroni soup Asian style using the microwave. He used MSG!

The 5 finalist: Italian cracker, Rice, Bamboo rider, Cutie stoner, White washed Asian dude

AND THE WINNER IS...

MR. PHARMACY 2005 (unfortunately ran out of batteries)

And you thought that being a Pharmacist is boring...Damn you Desperate Housewives!

Dreamboat

2005-05-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

Absolutely one of the best looking, kind hearted, well-adjusted, handsomest, flirtatious, innocent, loving, almost perfect, and every thing else guy I have ever known...Brandon. Why not perfect? Well, who is? Ok, for one thing he's a co-worker. Never date a co-worker! Two, he's only 20 years old! Third and most importantly, he's straight. Oh well! He's not perfect but when he shows you his smile, you could for a second (maybe longer) think that probably, he is perfect.

Anyway, I have often told him (threatened him really) that I was going to post something about him in my blog. Each time he called my bluff. I think I've refrained from doing so because neither of us were comfortable with the idea. Him thinking of me as a Dirty old Gay Man, and I thinking of him thinking I'm a Dirty Old Gay Man. That is until today, when he subconsiously gave me permission. And the fact that he finally let me take pictures of him! LOL My only promise to him was that I wasn't going to make them look dirrrty.

So everyone, here's Brandon!

Cute HUH!

I cropped this one coz he looks like he's looking down someone's blouse

Brandon and Dena (He wanted a pic with a female so as not to feel like he's in a gay photoshoot LOL)

I'm at a lost for words

Saved the best for last. He looks like Michael Vartan (Alias, Monster-in-Law) but better!

So what do y'all think?

So that's why I'm gay...

2005-05-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I AM SUCH A KLUTZ

2005-04-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well. I don't know what else to say. The title says it all. Klutz I am. Why? Hmmm...For the second time in my life, I popped my knee out (my right one). How? While dancing (both times)! At least, this time, it wasn't my fault. Some asshole kicked me in the shin while I was turning the opposite way. Pop goes the right knee.

Kinda weird seeing your leg form weird angles while you fall slowly to the ground. First reaction was to pop it right back in. Ofcourse being surrounded by dancing drunks, all oblivious to my situation, none offered any help nor inquired if I was OK. Heck they must all think I had too much alcohol. So they all kept prancing their merry asses. I had to get out of there or risk being trampled by bloody queens and their faghags (since when did faking epileptic seizure on the dance floor become so cool?) But my friends were nowhere in sight, so I practically dragged myself out of the dance floor. Looking and feeling like a total loser. You don't know how embarrassed I felt. Ugh, I am such a fag! There I was, practically disabled and all I can think about was did the cute guy I was scoping saw my mishap?

Anyway, I'm doing fine now. Somewhat. My Ortho scheduled an MRI. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't need surgery.

Blame it on Flea!

2005-04-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

Another Saturday, another night celebrating a friend's birthday. Whoopee. I haven't seen Leslie in a while, so I was looking forward to greeting her a happy 31st birthday. Not to mention that I just got out of work. Earlier on, my friend Flea and myself decided to meet up at her place before going to Leslie's surprise birthday party. I didn't know where it was and the fact that Flea said it was just right around the corner from her place. Not putting into account how Flea puts things in her perspective, I suggested that we take our heavy things and just walk since it was just around the corner.

12 blocks later, we arrived to our designation. It was a beautifully still-in-the-process-of-renovation 3 story old victorian house. I fell in love with the place almost immediately.

Went inside, gave our pleasantries and looked for the birthday girl. Who asks me, "Did you bring the Chicken Adobo?"

Me: Excuse me, what?
Leslie: The Chicken Adobo.
Me: (getting dizzy, thinking it was a joke) I don't, I don't...NO. What are you talking about?
Leslie: Flea said you were going to bring the Chicken Adobo.
Me: But, but...Flea!
Flea: Yes? (all smiles)
Me: Did you forget something?
Flea: (thinking really hard)
Me: Chicken Adobo?
Flea: Oh, yeah. You're supposed to bring Chicken Adobo to the party.
Me: (must have started to look like a raving lunatic)
Flea: (bumbling) You...you know me! I forget things. I...
Me: Oh shit.
Leslie: Don't worry about it. It's just that everybody was looking forward to the main course and none of them have eaten yet.
Chantal: (host) I'll defrost some chicken.
Me: (thinking) OH FUCKING SHIT.
Me: It's ok. Jodi, can you give me a ride?
Jodi: Where?
Me: KFC. Someone forgot to tell me about bringing something.
Flea: (cowtows)

So Jodi, Flea, and myself dashed to the nearest KFC to get the much needed chicken. The whole time Flea was apologizing. I didn't really care but wanted to relish Flea's torment. It wasn't really her fault. I mean, they couldn't get a hold of me and made sure that I knew about bringing the chicken instead of asking Flea to tell me about it.

Anyway, I order a 20 and 16 pcs bucket and what do you know, they ran out of chicken and they didn't want to cook more. At one point, one of their clerks asked me if it was ok for them to give us some (not all) chicken that we ordered and refund the cost of the rest. I was thinking, Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe it showed in my face coz the lady took a step back and never mentioned about refunds again. Instead 25 minutes later, I got my order. I should have asked for a discount but what the heck. All I wanted was the chicken. Atleast it was fresh.

A tribute to Day Dreamer and Soul of a Sailor

2005-04-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

Last week I have stumbled upon two blogs that were/are written by soldiers. Army and Navy were both represented. And luck would have it, the two bloggers were in a relationship...with each other. Couldn't get any better, I thought, and both wrote eloquently albeit they were Republicans. I guess no one is perfect. Sadly, both of their blogs went on hiatus due to personal reasons. I don't want to assume anything but rather would like them to know that atleast someone is rooting for them. So I'm reposting something I posted way back. Something about my reason why I joined the military. Here it is:

Funny really. The first year I got out from the Army, I was online and stumbled upon Planetout's request to GLBT service members to share their military service. It was, as I recall, for their Memorial Day edition (I think). I thought, "Might as well." It's not like they were going to publish it online since I was sure there were others that would be more interesting than mine. And to my surprise, I received an email from them stating otherwise. They liked my story, were getting my consent, and possibly a picture. The rest, was online history. So now, I'm sharing it to you all. (I hope PlanetOut is not going to sue me for this)

Sex and Love in the Barracks (their title not mine)

My name is Jake F. I just got out of the military in August of last year (1999), after five years of service. I joined right after high school, since I didn't know what I wanted to do. All I knew was that I wanted to take a break from my studies, so I opted to enlist in the Army. I guess I also joined to prove to everybody and myself that I was a man. I always knew I was gay, but I had trouble dealing with it because I was raised in a Catholic family. The fact that people at school always picked on students they thought were queer also didn't help. So I kept my true self bottled within. Then I enlisted.

During the months of basic training in Missouri, I was oblivious to the men in my company. I never developed any lust or anything. I was too hyped -- adrenaline coursing through my veins the whole time. The only things concerning me were making sure I passed my physical fitness test and trying to ensure that my drill sergeant's attention wasn't directed at me. I had a great time. I felt like a true man, not having any thoughts about another man.

In my third year in the service, I finally let loose my emotions. I fell in love with my best friend at the time. He, too, was a soldier. We were both stationed in Germany. Being overseas, soldiers tend to get drunk almost every night. During one of those binges, things got out of hand. We started playing around, punching each other, like most drunk men do. Then we got rough and started wrestling on the floor. We ended up kissing one another. For the first time in my life, I had sexual intercourse. I was 20 years old. I was dumbfounded. Both of us were scared someone might suspect. We were so scared of the consequences that we eventually drifted apart, and not even a whisper was heard. I once again went into my shell.

When I got transferred to Ft. Bragg, NC, six months later, my urges resurfaced. One day, I found the courage to go to a local gay bar. It was called Spektrum-- or "Rectum," to the regulars. It was a meat market. I was so nervous being in there, only 10 minutes away from post, that I got myself drunk silly. I woke up the next day in some stranger's house. I became a regular. I went there all the time, with no official consequences. I met other soldiers -- enlisted, non-coms, and officers alike. Like me, they were gay and it didn't bother them that at any given time the MPs or even CID could come busting through the door. Inside the bar, we were ourselves. Outside, we were what we had to be-- men in uniform.

My last year in the service, I was no longer afraid of the outcome if any of my peers or superiors found out that I was gay. Little by little, I came out to my friends, and later to my coworkers. I can say this: I was truly accepted. None of them cared that I was gay. I was a hard worker and a good soldier. That was all that mattered to them. By the end, even my chain of command, in a way, protected me if someone from another unit suspected that I was gay. I feel ashamed of that now -- how they must have dodged those "witch hunts" for my head constantly. Heck, I was so out that I didn't care who heard me. Sometimes I would even act "queer" to make my coworkers laugh. I must admit that I abused that protection to the extreme. I've had bad times, but I could never forget about the good times. I had a great experience, and I would do it over again. I think I am one of the lucky ones who met a lot more people who are tolerant than people who are bigots. I joined to prove I was a man, and I did. And I am proud to be a gay man.

You can read the story on planetout.com here.

SAVETOBY.COM

2005-04-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

Isn't he/she the cutest bunny ever! It's Toby! Wiggle your nose, come on! Such a cutie pie! And unfortunately the owner wants to eat him! Maybe not in a pie, but actually eat him. The bastard even posted recipes! And on June 30, 2005. Toby will be eaten. The catch? Well, Toby will be saved (not eaten) if the owner receives a total of $50,000 before the alloted date through donations and merchandise.

What a genius! Mind you, I'm not a sadistic fella, but doggone it! I wish I could have thought of it! As of right now, Toby's owner has collected $24,515.62. Wow. I'm sure that the owner is not really going to eat Toby. A funny marketing ploy if you ask me. And PETA couldn't even do anything about it. I think. Anyway, go save Toby!

I just hope that nobody ever think of this crap ever again.

CHARLIE-KUN!

2005-04-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!

Mike's Promotion

2005-04-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well! It seems like Mike, one of my co-worker's best friend, just got promoted for the second time within a year. One can only assume how that could happen...

Is there something you would like to share Mike?

Testes 1 2 3...

2005-04-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

Another drunken friend calling me on his Birthday! Hey Kev! You sexy bitch!

Beware: Driver Cumming!

2005-03-30T23:00:00.000-08:00

Having sex in a car sounds so wild and taboo. And I have to admit that I have done the deed three times. Twice while parked (Yeah, I know I was such a tramp!) and once while the car was moving. Now, that time when the vehicle was moving, my cohort and I were sitting in the back seat while his friend was driving (Yeah, I know I WAS such a tramp!).

It is such a thrill but I draw the line somewhere. For instance, I would never let anyone touch nor suck me while I am behind the wheel. No! That it just asking for trouble. Still some people do it. And I've seen my share of evidence while driving down in L.A.

And never alone.

I came to find out (from the person's own mouth) that someone I know has recently used vibrating toys while driving. It's a female. Goodness know what this female was thinking. Apparently, she started off on the lowest setting and thought, hmmm this doesn't feel bad. Getting giddier by the vibrating second, ends up turning it all the way to the highest setting. Bad kitty! Realizes her mistake when nearing her orgasm, looked for the controller. Could...Not...Find...It. Then panic took over but she managed to snatch (lol) the cord from underneath, pulling the toy out. Her body was shaking so much that it took most of her strength just to keep the car on the road.

The other drivers must have thought that she was having seizures. Lucky for them for not knowing exactly why.