Sunday, October 24, 2004

Just Wondering

I came out to my parents when I was 21 years old and was enlisted in the Army. In fact, unbeknownst to me, I came out around the time Matthew Shepard was murdered. I found out, about Matthew, when my mother told me to be careful because of recent events. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought about it for sometime and weighed the consequences. I decided that pretending to be someone who I am not, was no longer an option. I felt that it was something I had to do.

The first person I told was the wife of one of my sergeant's. I didn't have any choice. She walked in on my very first homosexual tryst. At the time, we were having a party at her apartment. I was stationed in Schweinefurt, Germany and every time there was alcohol involved, it meant that everyone got trashed. This time was no exception. Things started getting out of hand. Someone had the bright idea of playing 'Truth or Dare'. Let me tell you, by the end of the night, I was horny like I was never ever been as horny. My best friend (at the time) and I decided to stay the night. I had the floor and he had the couch. I can't recall how things got started, all I remember was that both of us were on the floor. Pants were off and oddly enough, our shirts were still on! Lips to lips, mouth on skin, tongue on chest, teeth on nipples, and then to the most mind boggling 69. My first ever!

Then the most terrifying moment of my life happened. Amid a break to take a breather (I was not used to breathing through my nose while something was in my mouth), I turned my head and there I saw my friend's 7 year old kid looking straight at us crying out loud looking for his mommy! I heard a sudden choke and felt my buddy go limp on top of me. I followed suit. For what it seemed a long time, the kid was staring at us. What he saw was two guys with no pants, one was sleeping on top of the other, while the other with his eyes closed trying desperately to cover and move the other's weewee away from his mouth/face. Then I heard my friend's (the wife) voice comforting her child. Some silence, a long one, then footsteps. She saw us, without a doubt. She had the graciousness on pretending that she didn't but I confessed anyway.

Little by little, I started coming out to my Army friends. I didn't have any problems. I can only think of 2 people acting differently afterwards but never any harmful things. Now a day, it is easier for homosexuals to come out. It is now common that younger and younger gay men and women come out to their family, friends, and to everyone else. The attitude towards homosexuals have changed the last few years to somewhat of a benign acknowledgement. Not full acceptance, but ok enough to come out of the closet .

So I wonder why some don't come out until they're older. Are they waiting for their kids to get older? Are they waiting for their parents to pass on? Have they not accepted their own persons? I don't know. I'm sure some have a valid reason. But what is the catalyst? Why do some gay men come out during their later years?

I suspect because that's when they have their first prostate exam. I mean come on! They've been depriving themselves and then all of a sudden some sterile gloved finger goes up in their you know what! Boom! Finds out (well, kind of) what they were missing! No wonder most men pass out and some even ejaculate. Don't believe me, just go ask a doctor!

I'm just being stupid. But hey, what do you think?

Thursday, October 14, 2004

My Type

I tend to like geeks. Sure I also like men on the 'gay stream' side but they're only for eye candy and fantasy fodder. Dorky guys are so cute. I just don't like dancing with them. They tend to flail their arms everywhere. Other than that, I think a dorky guy would be a perfect match for me. They're sensitive enough, intelligent, self concious, funny in an innocent kind of way, loyal, and so many other things narcicisstic gay guys aren't.

I just can't seem to find the right one. Right now, I find this one guy very attractive. Biggest dork I've ever met. So what if I've spoken to him more than I've seen him face to face. Actually, only met him once, two years ago. And so what if he's straight. His best friend says so (with whom I met through). Oh we're only talking dirty to each other over the phone just for shits and giggles. He's very damn great doing it! His friend, happens to be a co-worker of mine, also mentioned something about a time in the back seat of a car involving DFPBB (Dog Faced Poo Butt Bitch© KH. AKA the guy I'm attracted to) and a lady (if one can call her that) lacking front teeth. Apparently, it is with benefit to DFPBB © KH that lady-with-no-front-teeth has none.

I, who was known as HOOVER, can do better! Regardless if the lack of front canines sounds enticing to some (I am well aware of the incentives) I am very much an expert. The thought of the lady-with-no-front-teeth asking him if it was good for him (in a sexy way) after the deed gives me the chills. I wonder if she even smiled?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

I am, therefore I date

I just recently found this blog. This cracked me up big time! I like the way she writes. The bitch! LOL Anyway, enjoy it as much as I did.

It better not be Duncan whom she calls 'Pop Star'!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


I'm sick! My nose is so clogged up that I have to breathe through my mouth. Not to mention the aches and pains. My whole body is so sore that it feels like I've ran with my ruck sack for 12 miles. I just want to go to sleep but I can't coz I'm afraid I might choke on my phlegm. Which tends to ooze out of my nares if I inhale from the mouth for far too long of a period. I'm so grossed out! Worse than the time when I felt a piece of tissue paper on my tongue after rimming one guy's ass.

I'm also bloated as heck right now. I've been drinking fluids all day long yet still my piss comes out yellow. WTF! I'm such a pansy ass when I get this sick. I know I'm gonna get worse tomorrow since I worked today and probably again tomorrow. I hate calling in sick. I feel like if I do, people would just say that I was acting up. So I go to work, if they get sick on account of me not calling in, serves them right for the possibility of thinking that I was maybe pretending.

I think I'm going nuts! Must be the liquor that I just downed to help me go to sleep. I need some pampering! Like someone would ever! The saddest part is I'm hecka horny! Go figure...

Incidentally, I took one of those silly 'what type of gay are you' quizes and this was my response...

You Are The Suave Gay Man

What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I guess there is some truth to it!

Yep, must be the liquor!

FYI Don't have hot and sour soup when you're sick. JUST TRUST ME!

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Poo Shy?

I've been known to "drop the kids off the pool" quite so often during the day. It's very unusual for me not to do it at least twice a day. It's probably because of my diet. I eat a lot of crappy food that it makes me, well, crap all the time.

One of my co-workers is disturb of my candidness whenever I do my sitting. She's the type that would hold it in until she gets home. Never mind the fact that we have bathrooms that can only occupy a person at a time. She also states that she won't poop at home unless she was utterly alone. She's embarrassed with the idea of someone walking in after her thus smelling the evidence. I feel she might have a chance of getting an impacted bowel one of these days.

That's why I announce my intent; to warn the folks thinking of going after my wake to wait awhile until the area clears. If they don't, it's their own fault. They just have to suck it up and smell my little babies.

Although, it is another story when it comes to public restrooms. I get performance anxiety whenever I know someone is just over the next stall. For some odd reason, I get nervous. And when I get nervous, the louder it gets. I tell you, boy is it hard to hold one's own pent up gas! It's one thing for people to think they know what you're doing than to flat out announce and confirm their suspicions. I envy the bastards who don't care for shit what others think. They're the ones who just let it all out and often accompany it with moans.

There is only one place and time where I draw the line when it comes to pooping. That is when drunk people are milling about. They're loud, obnoxious, inebriated, and would definitely voice their opinions when someone's dropping noxious turds. Not to mention a propensity to announce to their friends (often within earshot of others) that the guy/girl that just got out of the bathroom stank up the loo with poo.

That's why the other night, I took my friend's car keys and hauled ass to the nearest gas station.

Check this out: LINK

Friday, October 01, 2004


At one point of a gay man or woman's life they eventually would be asked: Why? Why are you gay? (Second would be: Are you a Top or a Bottom? But that's another discussion.) To a heterosexual, it's perfectly natural to ask this question. They are, after all, humans like us homosexuals. And humans are very curious about things they don't know. Even though some are more open minded than others.

The first time I was asked that question, I was caught off guard. My defense mode kicked in and I answered, "Because I love Penis!" Knowing that if I answered it in a blunt and perverse manner, the query would be dropped. It worked. But upon further contemplation, I realized I was not satisfied with my answer. It sounded shallow.

Awhile back, I asked my mom why she thought I was gay. Her immediate response was, "Go blame your dad!" Then citing an incident when my dad was in Seminary (For you folks who don't know, it's where priests go to school). Get this! My mom equates my being gay because my dad was hit on by one of the priests in the Seminary. Interestingly enough, when I came out to my parents, my dad wanted me to talk to a priest. Maybe to get some pointers?

Later on, I found out that prior to my birth, my parents have already decided a name for me: Leonora June. Leonora is my mother's name but June? I was born in February! For weeks, I badgered my mom to explain. She only relented when I made the threat of revealing my homosexual desires to all our relations. According to her, the Chinese calendar and where I was positioned in the womb ( an old folklore) suggested that I was supposed to be a girl. Hence the female namesake. Then they had me. That must explain why on my 1st birthday, I was photographed having long curls clipped to one side of my head. To this day, she still insist that it was because my hair was too long that it covered my face. It just so happens that there were pink ribbons lying about. How convenient.

There you have it, I'm gay because:
A.) My dad was almost molested by a priest.
B.) According to all the signs: the Chinese calendar and my position in the womb that I'm a girl.
C.) Photographed with long curly locks pinned with pink ribbons. (I did look cute)
D.) And the Gay Gene. It seems that my mother's side of the family spits out more gay relatives than a rabbit in heat! (sorry I can't name names)

So now, if someone asks me, Why? I'll just say, "I love Dick!" and hope they won't ask anymore questions.