Monday, December 18, 2006

Been Busy!

It's almost Christmas and I have yet to post something this month! As you may know, I just started a new job with the State. Commuting to and from work is just nuts and it's draining so much of my energy. I just want to pass out whenever I get home! No worries... I'm in the process of searching for a place in Sac!

There are 3 possible locations. All of them around downtown or midtown. Nice places. I actually drove by the area and I'm loving it so far. Now, if I could just get my butt to call the agency/managers so they could give me a tour of the place.

Will update when possible.

Monday, November 20, 2006

First Day @ New Job!!!

I was so excited that I couldn't go to sleep. Left the house @ 0545 to go get coffee. Left Lodi @ 0600, thinking I would hit mad traffic. I didn't. So I ended up arriving @ my new workplace an hour and a half early!

There I was in the parking lot, shaking like an addict in rehab (drank 5 shots worth of espresso) listening to the radio blasting in my car.

Anyway, got the tour of the office (building really), met practically everyone, read the SOP (standard operating procedures) manual, observed, took a break, called past co-workers, observed some more, ate lunch, filled out HR stuff, worked on my own for a bit, and left @ 1710.

Wow! The day went by so fast! And let me tell y'all, besides the legal jargon that made my head spin for awhile there, I actually think I'm going to like this place!

Oh, did I mention that I've already spotted 3 eye candies!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hello Sacramento!

"Doors will be opening for you in many areas of your life."
--fortune cookie, 7 Nov 06

I got a tentative offer last Thursday. Meaning they were only waiting for the final ok/signature by the HR people. I was told that I was to get a call that same day or the next.

I was so excited that on Friday, I tendered by resignation even if I haven't gotten the final call. I never did.

I was so nervous the whole weekend.

Monday came and went. Nada! I was down and feeling sick to my stomach.

Tuesday. I got so anxious that I broke down and called the person. No answer. Transferred to his voicemail. Left a message. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Thinking that maybe the offer was rescinded, I decided then and there that I will not take back my letter of resignation. It would look so dumb on my part. Fuck it. Went to lunch and stuffed my face.


Two hours after returning from lunch, the person called me apologizing for his tardy reply. Stating that Friday was a bad day for HR and asked when I will be able to start work.

YAY! So here I am Sacramento!

Monday, October 30, 2006


It seems like the last guy I dated and myself are back to friendly terms. He has finally met his Mr. Chess and I am very happy for him. We're in such good terms that he has invited me to be a friend on 'their' myspace page.

I hesitated, of course, given the way how our relationship had ended. But seeing how both of them looked very happy and content, I had to oblige. I clicked 'approve'.

So 'R'... You really do deserve the best and his name is 'M'. May all your UPS and DOWNS be solely in the bedroom.


Sunday, October 29, 2006

Insert Foot

Well, I'm sure you're dying to know. About the job interview.

Short story: The ditsiest moment of my life.

Long story:

7:15. Woke up. Had plenty of time to shower, shave, piss, iron clothes, get dressed, and put goo in hair. Left Stockton around 8am. That's good right? Plenty of time, I thought. It usually took me 45 minutes to get to downtown Sacramento. Yeah, an hour sounds plausible. Nope, it took me more than an hour to get to my destination! I was getting nervous while driving through Laguna Blvd when all of a sudden the traffic slowed. Heck at one point, I was going 3 miles/hour!

Knowing I was going to be fucking late, I called the office where the interview was being held. I told them my name and was put immediately on hold. A few seconds later, the lady asked what was the purpose of my call. Again, I was put on hold. She asked for the interviewer's name, which was never given to me. This resulted with me being transferred several times. Nobody seemed to know. I'm thinking, "Great!" When the lady (I think she moonlights as Mrs. Obvious) pronounced she couldn't help me but suggests to get there fast. Sure! Let me get off the phone with you so I can open up my window and scream like a banshee with the hopes of the drivers ahead, mistaking me for an ambulance, would graciously part to each side of the freeway and let me through. Yeah, I'm fucked!

9:07. Good, I'm not too late. Not so fast. In my state of haste, it dawned on me that I had parked 5 blocks away! I thought about going back to my car, which was parked 7 floors up. Instead, I hauled ass! I was like a mad man. Dodging other people and jumping over obstacles, all the while expressing my apologies. I think I even said sorry to an empty park bench. After giving one driver one lone finger, the bitch almost clipped me, I stood where 'X' marked the spot. Showed my ID, rode the elevator. Checked my reflection. Not as crisp but not disheveled. Door opens. Sure enough, I got off the wrong floor.

9:37. Eventually found the right room and somehow had my interview re-scheduled 2 hours later.

11:17. The girl in the front desk asks if I was back for the interview (Mrs. Obvious turned out to be Ms. Duh). Fearing I might say something 'like, so rude', I nodded with agreement. Gave me three papers, each describing three different job duties. Instructed me to sit on a chair, read the job descriptions, wait to be called, and left by wishing me good luck. Hearing her say those words just made me feel guilty for the sarcastic words I meant to say to her and glad that I didn't.

11:27. I heard voices eminating from a door a few feet to my right. They were laughing. The door opens and a cute petite girl wearing a black angora sweater over a white collared shirt and khaki pants exits. Followed by a guy in a blue buttoned-up shirt, necktie, and dark pleated pants. The guy gave the girl directions on how to get to the elevator. Girl started walking, guy follows with his eyes firmly planted to her ass. Goes back inside. My heart sank and began thinking of a way to let them forget about her.

11:32. I got called in the room. It so happens that there were three people doing the interview. You could imagine my nervousness. Crap. Each one introduced themselves and their respective departments. Sounded very interesting. I could have understood more if it weren't the fact that the guy to my left had such beautiful blue green eyes. Yeah, the one that was staring the last interviewee's ass. I couldn't concentrate. Everytime he spoke, I looked directly into his eyes. And each time, I felt a little flushed. I could imagine the sight of me turning red. The interview was going well, I thought. Until the guy asked what was one of my weakness in my current employment. It went downhill from there.

Weakness. For crying out loud! I knew that one was coming. I even had a prepared statement for such a question. Battle ready, I would have said, "I am my own worse critic. I am never satisfied with my work no matter how everyone else perceives it as a job well done. I would always think up of better ways of doing things." But I never said any of those words. Immediately, I blanked out. I couldn't think of anything. Why now? Stop thinking about those damn eyes!

In my panic, all I said was, "Ummm, I don't know. Let me think..." DANGER WILL ROBINSON! "Ummm... Sta-ta-sta-Stapling?" HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! "I really don't know!" The last came out almost like a whine.

Yeah, I'm screwed. I couldn't even begin to imagine what were going through their heads when they heard me say STAPLING!. I am such an idiot! It was such a traumatic experience that I couldn't remember what was said nor asked after. Except when returning to my car did I finally let out a scream.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Can't Sleep

It's 1:27am... And I'm still awake! It's one of those days that I should be sleeping. I can't help it. I'm too excited and nervous at the same time!

I have an interview tomorrow. Wait! I meant TODAY! In a few hours! I have to wake up at 7am. At least, so I can prepare. Not to mention that I'm on the verge of getting sick. Yeah, I could feel it coming. Heck, my nose is starting to clog up, my sinuses are acting up, I feel sluggish, and I'm warm to the touch. Needless to say, I'm pretty much fucked!

Oh well. I just hope my snot doesn't start dripping down my nose as I'm about to say something impressive.

Note to self: Bring hanky!!!

Monday, October 23, 2006

6 years later...

The last serious relationship I had was over six years ago. Brad, that was his name. I was 23, he was 46. I was madly in love with him. He filled something in me that was missing. I really thought he was the one. I didn't care that he was twice my age. I could give a fuck. He made me happy. He was the first one that made me realize a long term relationship was feasible. He was the reason why I stopped fucking around. He made me believe in monogamy. He changed my life forever.

It didn't last.

I found out he was cheating on me. Another Filipino guy. Apparently, he was a co-worker of his. To make matter worse, I ended up working with the guy.

One day, during lunch, I decided to go to Wendy's. Was walking up to the door, when I saw my new co-worker sitting by the glass wall a few feet from the entrance. I waved to him. Realizing that he wasn't alone, his lunchmate turned to look at me. It was Brad.

My heart fell to my stomach. I no longer felt hungry. But I was not about to show Brad how devastating the situation was for me. I opened the door and willed myself in the restaurant. My whole body was shaking that I had to grip the railing to keep me still. Upon receiving my order, I used up every once of determination not to go to their table or I might make a scene. I waited until I was at a red light before I let a tear come out.

At work, Mel asked me how I knew the guy he was with during lunch. I feigned innocence but then he told me that Brad told him. Not being able to get out of the situation, I told him that we were in a relationship. That we've broken up a few months ago. Mel, not fully aware, confirmed what I realized the moment I saw them. He was the other Filipino guy. He said that they started dating at such and such date. When they were both working at a feed store. Mel was a clerk, Brad was in accounting/finance.

I never told Mel that I was already in a 6 months relationship with Brad when they first met/dated. I was in too much of a shock. It's one thing to know that your boyfriend cheated on you, but to actually meet the other person? I wanted to tell him. I wanted to let him know that he's the fucking reason why I was fucking pissed at the world. But it would be unfair to solely put the blame on him. I gave him the benefit of a doubt that he never knew about me.

I often wonder what else Brad told him.

Five years later, I get in contact with the person who introduced me to Brad. Matt, he's a well-mannered, nice, pleasant, educated, and with good intentions kind of guy. I never was attracted to the guy. He's just someone that I had the chance to meet at a gay bar. It's a little disappointing that he didn't remember me. I kept driving the fact that he introduced me to Brad. When all of a sudden he remembers. He said, "Yeah, now I remember. Yep, you were dating Brad."

As an afterthought he added, "About the same time as Jonathan. This black dude that he was seeing. About the same time as you."

I know he didn't mean to be so callous. A person tend to spill everything out upon recollection of old memories stashed away. Like when you're in the closet trying to get that damn shirt you know you put away in the top shelf. When you pull it out, everything else comes crashing down.

No, he didn't mean to let it all out. It shouldn't bother me anyway. It's been six years!

So we casually talked about what we're doing. Mainly, what he's been up to these past few years. No, he hasn't heard from Brad for awhile now. We even decided to go to a movie and catch up. And so it is, we're going to the movies on Saturday. We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.

Then I cried.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Maybe Sometimes, You Got It Wrong, But It's All Right...

Corinne Bailey Rae

I love this song, her voice, her beauty. Gosh, she's so awesome.

My Theme Song for the moment.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 Thinks I Should Be A Drag Queen!

Well, I came across one of my friends (Kevin) friend's myspace profile and saw a collage of celebrities he looked like. It looked fun. Who doesn't want to see who they looked like? I submitted one of my photos. Here are the results:

Apparently, I my face is more feminine-like. What the fuck! 6 out of 8 faces were of women! And the males? Corey Feldman? Ugh! And who is this Vytautas Landsbergis? Well, he's Lithuanian for one. And more from here. Like you care. One thing's for sure, if indeed I dress up in drag one of this days, I would be fuckable! Imagine looking like Lucy Liu (hmmm), Janeane Garofalo (not when she's a blonde, lay off the bleach!), or Queen Latifah (before the breast reduction of course)! Maybe it's a mistake.

So I tried another photo:

Kevin Mitnick (yeah another one)? Nathan Lane (So gay!)? Macaulay Culkin? Argh! Yet still, majority of the faces are females! 5 out of 8!!!!! Still hot as a chick though. I'm not yet convinced! I'm still thinking it's a fluke.

So I sent in another one:

HALLELUJAH! I'll take it! 59% Viggo Mortensen! 48% Brad Pitt! 52% Jamie Cullum! And the proverbial pussy in the batch, 48% Diane Keaton! Line up y'all! I'll start practicing my autograph from here on!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Dedicated to "R"

"Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hit and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You were wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone

P.S. Stop calling!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

A letter to Someone

Tonight, I was going through my things trying to look for some paperwork I thought I brought with me when I moved out of my parent's house. I spent hours trying to look for that darn thing. Nada! Instead, I found one of my notebooks and decided to flip through the pages. It seemed that I wrote a letter 7 years ago. An open letter. Good lord, I'm such a geek! Well here it goes:

June 2000

Hi! You must think I'm crazy. I mean who would do such a thing? Writing to somebody who's not real. Well I guess that's me.

Anyway, I'm 5'7", black hair, brown eyes, 155 lbs, medium built, and tan complected. By the way I'm a man. A man who's looking for Mr. Right. And hopefully that's you.

I'm very nice, you could even ask my friends. Although they would say different other things. Some I would rather not dwell upon.

I'm 22 yrs old. Aquarian. Part poet, part romantic. I would easily cry at movies also laugh loudly. Can't say that I'm handsome but I've been told that I am cute, even okay looking.

I love reading books, especially by Kurt Vonnegut and Robert Jordan. I love Catch-22 and others of the sort. I also love writing poetry, most of them about tragic love. I drink on the weekends. Go clubbing with friends. Basically, what a normal 22 yr old would do.

I'm looking for a guy who's a man yet sensitive, modest, likes my friends (at least gets along with them), neat, taller than me, nice eyes, nice smile, and always around.

I don't really look for a certain age/body/group. I've found myself attracted to different types of guys. Although it matters most if they are healthy. Hopefully, one day, I'll meet that man. I've been searching for him since I had come out, 3 years ago. So far, I haven't been lucky. To me, it seems that all men are dogs, just plain promiscuous. The ones that I do fall for are either straight (hetero), disappointing, not interested, or just not available.

I'm in the military. The military is not a good place for me. Everywhere I turn, I see good looking guys. It is hard for me to concentrate. Really.

I've had my share of "Trades". So-called straight guys wanting to try the other way. Mostly blowjobs, and they do come for seconds, and thirds, and fourths, and so on. But all they are looking for is a quick nut. A saying they all actually share is this: "I'm just a squirrel in this world. Just trying to bust a nut." So whenever they come knocking at my door, I happily comply. What can be more stimulating to a gay guy than a straight" man's company? Like I said, I have had plenty of my share.

To me, the military is a breeding ground for freaks, bisexuals, and homosexuals. Believe me, there are a lot of Freaks. As for Bi(s) and Homos, well, soldiers love to get drunk. When intoxicated, soldiers do a lot of things they never thought they would. This is where the experienced fags work the fields. Is is bad, I admit but it is true.

One of them (gay guy) would start out by asking a group of drunken soldiers a hypothetical question that would root out guys that would be willing to "experiment".
One of them is this: "What if you were in a room,a dark room with no lights, can't even see beyond inches of your face. When all of a sudden, your dick is being sucked. It feels good. You reach out and you find out it's a guy that's giving you head What would you do?" This in turn would lead to a pause, sometimes short, other times long. Giving time to those being asked to think carefully, then add, "Now you remember that you cannot see the person blowing you Would you stop it then and there or would you let it go on?"

Answers would differ but there is at least someone who would say that he would let it go on. That same person would be the target of the night. He is from now on, marked and sooner or later, a done deal. May sound easy, cliche even. But I have seen this tactic played right in front of me. Much to my surprise. It's so blatantly obvious to me. Then again, we are talking about drunk and horny soldiers.

The first time I had sex with a "hetero", I was shocked by how tender and passionate his love making was. I was expecting rough sex, being manhandled even But his caresses were light, sure, and he would constantly ask if I was comfortable. I, being the crazy one as can be, just started shouting to make it harder and to talk dirty to me. Afterwards, I was embarrass when my hormones subsided. I still, to this day, could see his face. Eyes wide, face blushed, and a big smile on his face. It was his first time and I was so happy because he enjoyed it. From then on, we had sex every 2 weeks. When his girlfriend goes to her Army national guard unit for her drill. It didn't hurt the fact that he was in the same unit as I was. Life is grand, isn't it.

That too didn't last. 6 months later, he got orders to go to Korea. Good things never last. We had fun the next 4 months. Him and his girlfriend broke up So I had him all to myself. He never did tell me why they broke up. I didn't want to bring it up. Besides, I was at the good end of the bargain, why ruin it?

I miss him. Hopefully we would meet again.

The next time I had relations with a "straight" guy, I fell in love. I fell so hard, I have bruises in my mind. He was the first one to break my heart.

I'll explain next time. Going to bed.


Re-reading the darn thing made me realize how shallow I was. Am I still? And the grammar! I almost feel like I was reading something some trashy fag wrote who lived in the valley! Here's hoping that I've outgrown it. It's funny. You could tell that the letter was influence by the age of AOL chat rooms!

Monday, September 11, 2006

As Requested...A Turn For the Worst

My ex (if you would call him that) recently sent me an email stating (and I quote), "you should add the FUCK me then Leave me part too ! NO ? Aww that mite make you look bad O Thats right !!!!" (Nope, no mistake from my part. Everything was copied verbatim.)

Sadly, it did happen that way. We finally had sex, then I dumped him less than a week later. He proceeded to point it out that all I was after was his virgin booty (which I highly doubt and will further explain). You can look at it that way. But hear this, I broke up with him because of the stupid comment he made right after we fucked (I'm not going to say made love 'coz that would only imply something grand.) Which incidentally is as follows:


For him, it wasn't a big deal. He left messages stating that it was said out of TRUST. He didn't say anything wrong. Why was I blaming him for the break-up? I was the love of his life. The things I put him through because I broke up with him and all because of that little stupid comment. I killed him. I took advantage of him. I broke his heart.

Ask yourself what century do we live in. Would you say that to someone you've only dated for almost 2 months? Would you really trust someone so soon to go bareback? Are you fucking out of your mind?

It gets sadder and more pitiful. My vindication. The email further stated,

"Well anyhoo, hear Go's, this is just for me ! my closure !! i wasn't gana tell you this so i could play the Totall victim! but i so need this ! the $2 G's i spent on my New Dell was being saved for your B-Day Prezz ! i was taking you to Hawaii ! "SURPRIZE" but hears the big one ! The sunday you Were gone Randy Called and was house sitting for a frind, he asked me to come Hang out and i did. We hade SEX ! while we were still Together! that was a first cheat for me and it was on you ! Crazzy Timing LOL But i beet you ! bet this will help you to feel better ! i was the first one to FuckUP Jake !" (again, all verbatim)

Did he think that missing out on going to Hawaii would make me feel like an ass? I'm independent. I can pay for my own. Spend it on yourself. I never asked anything of monetary value. Was that what he thought? Pity. Ah, and him cheating on me. That was the icing on the cake. Definitely an eye opener. I should be mad but instead, I feel relieved and disappointed. Relieved because it just made my decision justifiable. And disappointed because I really thought he was a great guy and still wanted him to be a friend. In hindsight, I wasn't surprised with the cheating part. I've caught him changing his stories on several occasions.

Good riddance!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

How To Tell Someone You've Been Dating That You Just Want To Be Friends

In the last few months, I've managed to jump back into the dating pool. Five long years since my last long term relationship. Five long years, I've yearned to be with someone. Five long years, I've distrusted men. Five long years, I've been lonely.

So you could imagine my being hesitant. The prospect of getting to know someone. To let him handle your fragile heart. Sadly, being self-blinded with the "Woe Is Me" syndrome, I forgot that I wasn't the only one with the fragile heart.

A few months back, I realize that I was being stupid. Remembering a quote from Ally McBeal, "Love is just like a game. You'll never win if you don't play." (Yeah, so gay. Which incidentally, was delivered by none other than Dame Edna.) Then I thought, to hell with the past! Things happen for a reason, you live in the present to learn from them so you can have a better future. (So much psychobabble, I know.)

Next thing you know, I sent an email asking someone out. A few weeks passed, got their phone number, left messages twice, talked to him for days, then we finally met. I was lucky. He turned out to be nice, cute, loving, and a wonderful guy. And I have to say that he knew how to kiss. I take it back, He is a great guy. I was happy, ecstatic even. Time spent with him was relaxing. He's the type of guy that makes you feel so comfortable to be in your own skin. And I was.

Don't get me wrong, the relationship wasn't perfect. Little by little, I got to know him better. And little by little, things started bothering me. But I didn't let them be such a big deal. A kiss from him, makes them all disappear. What a feeling!

Just as things were going along fine, a moment happens. Something you would see when watching a Jerry Seinfeld episode. Something stupid, something remotely incomprehensible was said. I could have just blown it off. The kisses stopped working. I mean, he's a great guy, what the fuck was I thinking? But just like Jerry, I could not let it go. And just like a switch, I was turned off. Mulling things over for a few days just made it worse. It bothered me the more I thought about it. Of course, I asked my friends what they thought. All of them agreed that I should break it to him gently. But soon before he falls deeply.

What a fine thing to say. I, who have had his heart broken many times over, know how it would feel. I couldn't do it to him. For Pete's sake! His birthday is less than 2 weeks away! What if I'm just being stupid? What if I'm only having cold feet? What if I'm going to make the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go? But like a bucket of cold water, I realize I can not get over it. Not to mention, it would be unfair to him and more hurtful if I keep up with the charade.

Part of me hoped that he would take it in stride, shrug and happily take my offer of friendship without so much of a hassle. In a perfect world. I hate it. I don't want to do it. I wished he would change his mind and without any warning, tell me instead that he's breaking up with me. In my dreams. In the end, I had to do it.

I called him and right away, he sensed that something was awry. While my whole body was shaking and my heart racing, I told him what I felt. He hung up. A few text messages later, me offering friendship and he with angry replies. I understood his anger. Fuck! I would be angry at myself! He said mean things, things I would have said if I were in his shoes. I deserved each hateful comment. I would own it if it helps him.

And I am very sincere when I told him that I didn't want to lose him completely. I truly am.

Fuck! I feel like shit!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Send Me Chicken Soup!

I've got the flu! I'm so weak right now...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Crossing My Fingers

Well, here it goes! I finally did it! I applied for a new job! Yikes! I'm so excited and nervous! (What's up with all the exclamation points?) Went on to timidly looked for a job. I didn't think I would find something but... There it was! An opening for a pharmacy job right on (guess where) CASTRO STREET SAN FRANCISCO, CA! YEP!

Although, I'm not holding my breath. It was actually posted on July, so there's probably the chance that it has already been filled. One could hope otherwise! Please please please, let them ask for an interview!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Malinak Lay Labi (The Night is Late)

I was browsing through the wikipedia and I stumbled upon a lullaby/love song that my yaya (nanny) used to sing to me when I was a little boy. It brings so many happy memories. Click on the link or title to hear how the song goes.

Malinak lay Labi: A Pangasinan Love Song

Malinak lay Labi
The night is late
Oras la'y mareen
The hour is peaceful

Mapalpalna'y dagem
A gentle breeze
Katekep to'y linaew
Along with it is the dew

Samit da'y kugip ko
So sweet is my dream
Binangonan kon tampol
Right away I awake

Lapu'd say limgas mo
Because of your beauty
Sikan sika'y amamayoen
You are the only one I will love

Lalo la bilay
Best of all, my life
No sika la'y nanengneng
When I see you

Napunas lan amin
All wiped away
So ermen ya akbibiten
The sorrows that I bear

No nanonotan
When I remember
Ko la'y samit day ugalim
Your sweet kindness

Ag ta ka nalingwanan
I will not forget you
Angga'd kauyos na bilay
Till life is gone

this is an audio post - click to play

Note: The song is not in Tagalog but of a local dialect, Pangasinan.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Poo Shy's Dilemma...A Repost

I haven't blogged in a while so I decided to read some of my old posts. I really liked them. Since most surfers tend not to go to someone's archive thought I should help them a bit. So here is one:

Poo Shy's Dilemma

I've written about one of my co-workers. You know, the one who has trouble taking a dump with someone around, hence the name Poo Shy. She has recently discovered the joys of coffee enemas. Say what?! Yes, you read it right, COFFEE ENEMAS! It's supposed to help you detoxify, give you a boost of energy, and etc. Why not? I mean if something were up my ass for 10-15 minutes at a time, I would feel energized and giddy the day/moment after. Hopefully, that would be the only similarity. The process of discharging that amount of coffee liquid sounds very uncomfortable. I can only compare it to having a case of very very bad diarrhea.

Which leads me to Poo Shy. She decided to try it out. Besides, no one would know. (Except for me and all my joyful readers) She went and checked if she had all the necessary supplies:
  • Lube (for ease of insertion)
  • Water (distilled)
  • Coffee (has to be ground, not instant nor decaffeinated. not sure if the flavor matters)
  • Filters (for obvious reasons)
  • Enema (a bag with a tube where you put the tepid water and then insert into anus)

Unfortunately, she was out of enemas. She waited for days before she could get the nerve to buy one. Who would dare? I'm sure people who were in dire need of an enema for health reasons have no problem buying one. But she was embarrassed of what the cashier might think when she hands him/her the enema. It's kind of stupid really. What else would you need an enema for? Beer bong? She thought, "Fuck them! They can all stick it up their asses!"

She goes into Super Walmart. Having found some courage, yet not quite, she decided to grab a few things before getting the enema. (Maybe to throw off the cashier?) 'Lo and behold, Super Walmart has a self-check out lane! And Poo shy seizes the opportunity and began ringing herself of her purchases:

  • Scented Candle (smells like...)
  • Magazine (Brad and Jen breakup!)
  • Fleets Enema (giddy with just the thought)


As you can imagine, it wasn't her lucky night after all. The cashier (a guy, not sure if he's cute since she didn't even mention it) immediately stated that kids think they can get away buying things normally adults can buy and asked her what was that she was buying. She feebishly pointed out that, "Maybe because this movie (Pretty Woman) is Rated R?" In the meanwhile the cashier was checking out her inventory and on the screen with big green bold letters were :


I can only imagine what the guy was thinking while my friend was clumsily perusing her purse for her darn driver's license. By the time she finished paying, she was so embarrassed, she left the store with her tail between her legs.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

For The Second Time!


Thursday, July 13, 2006

The Falling Out

I just had a big fight with one of my best friends today. And I am very ticked off! I love and think highly of her. But the way she acts towards a certain guy bugs the hell out of me. She can't see how he mistreats her, practically cheats on her. The fact that she confronted the girl (one of them) blaming her for her act but still talking and "hanging out" with the guy hoping that he would change is BULLSHIT! What the fuck! Raw Sugar (that's her name if she ever wants to be a pornstart, mine's Hoover) take off that blindfold! Seriously, you're hurting yourself!

But that's not why we had a fight.

We're planning to go on a rafting trip this Saturday. She's such a take charge person that she's taking care of the details. Gotta love her for that. She informs me of what needs to be done, the fees, who are going, practically the whole itinerary. She then informs me that person X (an ex that has become one of our friends) would be going without his girlfriend (who is also our friend) and asks me if I could give him a ride to the rafting place. That's fine but her reason was that person X would definitely 'cling' to her, upsetting mr. cheater. Mr. cheater, who in the past stated how he hated hanging out with her friends! Us! Why in the hell is he going in the first place since he would be surrounded by her friends!

I blew up. I said, "Fuck Mr. cheater! I'm fucking sick and tired of you always thinking about him first. Bye!" Then I hung up.


Would someone tell me how one could cling to a person who constantly cheats on them, make them feel like shit, not get along well with their friends, and lie to them? I don't care if he has any good points. The bad definitely outweighs the good. If there are any.

She tried calling me back at work. Told them to tell her that I was busy and that I would call her back. Left a message on my voicemail telling me that she took care of it and to not bother calling me back tonight, with an acid tongue. So I decided not to go. After talking to a few friends that were going, we (believe me, I didn't force them one bit) decided to go with my co-workers who were going to a different rafting venue. Then I texted her stating that I and 6 others would not be joining them leaving out the detail that we're going somewhere else.

Am I bitter? Fuck yeah! To me, she would rather be with him and forget about us. I love her and will be with her during hard times but not this one. It is the last straw.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Did you hear...

About the guy who contracted an STD from his blow-up doll? Apparently, the doll was cheating on him.

--I know totally gross. Who would use someone else's toy?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Oh what the heck...The Dreaded List

1. I'm named after my father. Which means, I'm a Junior.

2. Relatives call me Jonjon.

3. Since moving to the US, a lot of people couldn't pronounce my name right. To make it easier for them and to my ears, I ask them to call me Jake instead.

4. Even as a little boy, I was cognizant of the fact that my attraction to boys/men made me different.

5. I went into the closet when in Kindergarten, an aunt asked me who was my 'crush' in my class. Upon explaining to me what it meant, with much glee, I mentioned a boys name. Met with tsk(s), head shakes, and some nervous laughter then further told me that it should be of the opposite sex. Absolutely confused and aware that something was awry, I blurted out the name of the smartest girl in class.

6. I had the faintest recollection of being 'played' with by an older male, a very distant relative. And remembering the pleasures instead of shame.

7. First time I got drunk was when I was 7 years old. Courtesy of some tomboyish girl whose family was visiting.

8. I went to Catholic school from k-2nd grade. Was awarded 'Most Courteous' for 2 years.

9. Always ate my veggies.

10. Learned how to cook by watching my grandma and other female relatives. (Except my mother, who can not cook for shit!)

11. Ate ketchup sandwiches when I was little.

12. After watching hot coal walkers on TV, I figured I could do it. Ended up burning both my feet.

13. Was not really that close to my dad growing up. But the thing I will remember most of him was how he had to carry me the whole time I was not able to walk because of #12.

14. My mom constantly remind me of how the back of my ears resembles that of my dad.

15. I have 3 brothers. 1 older, 2 younger.

16. My mom thought I was going to be a girl. Was going to name me Leonora June.

17. I have the habit of taking pictures but not developing them for quite some time. (years even)

18. Joined the Army right out of high school.

19. I didn't have any sexual thoughts the whole time I was in Basic Training. Was too focused on being a perfect Soldier.

20. Was stationed in Schweinefurt, Germany for 2 years. Conn Barracks.

21. Was deployed to Bosnia for 11 months.

22. Spent New Years Eve of 1996 in a bus full of soldiers at the Austria-Hungary border.

23. Had my first voluntary homosexual experience with another soldier. He was my best friend at the time.

24. Had my heart broken for the first time by the same guy when he told me he had a boyfriend back at home, and that it--me--was just for fun.

25. One of my sergeant's youngest son caught me during my first homosexual experience, he woke up from a bad dream looking for his mommy.

26. It was in their living room.

27. I have a dog. Her name is Miss Chess or MC.

28. I came out to my parents the same year Matthew Sheppard died. I was whoring around in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina that I didn't even hear about it until my mom mentioned the fact.

29. Upon hearing me state that I was gay, my dad told me to go talk to a priest.

30. My older brother cried when I told him.

31. Served in the Army for 5 years.

32. Got out in 1999.

33. I tried to commit suicide a week before my 22nd birthday. It was because of a guy.

34. His name is Scott. I still remember the first time we kissed. On his 21st birthday. Took him to his first gay bar, after one of my friends slipped and outed me. He is/was straight.

35. Have only been with three relationships. The longest last 6 months. He was 23 years my senior (nope, he was not a sugar daddy). He cheated on me with a future co-worker.

36. Once while drunk, I blurted out; "Even if I am gay, I would eat Shania Twain's pussy!"

37. For a while, my nickname was STP.

38. My blog is named after a Duncan Sheik song. "Mr. Chess".

39. When I was 5, I kissed a sleeping cousin on the lips. Last year, he told my older brother that he was awake the whole time.

40. I got my tongue pierced 2 months ago.

41. Sometimes I like to lay in bed with no lights on and listen to Linda Ronstadt sing Someone To Watch Over Me.

42. First time I had anal sex I thought I was doing it wrong. It felt like I was about to take #2.

43. I was so nervous the first time I went into a gay bar. Literally a few miles outside of Fort Bragg. Kept guzzling down hard alcohol and ended up in the back seat of a moving car giving someone a blowjob. Felt like trash the next day, left and never called him back.

44. I've met and took guys back to my barracks to have sex.

45. One time while rimming a guy, I found tp on my tongue. Now, I make sure they have just recently taken a shower or do the finger swipe before even attempting.

46. Best BJ I received was from a guy who looked like George Costanza. He lives in Virginia.

47. I love the feel of freshly shaven head.

48. Nothing gets me harder than a great kiss.

49. Worst kiss I've ever experienced was when the guy practically slobbered all over my nose.

50. Ponytails on guys are such turn-offs.

51. I once had foreplay (kissing, oral, etc.) with a guy but I refused to go further. Something felt wrong. I later found out he was positive. He never told me. I was sweating bullets the day I got my results back.

52. I am negative.

53. I've always trusted my instincts since then.

54. Once I purposely misled someone to have sex with his bestfriend in front of me with the thought that he would do it with me next. I never did. Somedays I wished I had.

55. I have been involved with 2 threesomes.

56. I like the smell of rubbing alcohol.

57. I love to cook. I cook in large quantities.

58. If time allows, I would be inside a grocery store for hours. I like to take my time examining things I would buy to cook.

59. I have a constant fear of growing old alone.

60. I am stubborn.

61. The longest time I haven't had sex is 5 years.

62. Got laid this past January. My first fellow Filipino.

63. When I was 8 or 9, my older brother and I would rent porno (this was in the Philippines) and watch it behind closed doors. He got caught one day. As punishment, my mom and 2 aunts watched it with him.

64. I've seen people die in front of me. They were jumping off a building during an earthquake back in 1989.

65. My family moved to Glendive, Montana in 1991. 2 years later, we moved to Lodi, California where my parents and 2 younger brothers still live.

66. I now reside in Stockton, California (20 miles from my parents') and my older brother in Minnesota.

67. I want to move to San Francisco next. Maybe by the end of the year.

68. I have the habit of agreeing to go to several functions in the same day.

69. I love to dance.

70. Popped my right knee out twice while dancing.

71. I like to sleep naked but don't.

72. I drink 5 espresso shots over ice with 2 equals.

73. I work too much.

74. I daydream too much.

75. I'm very loyal to my friends.

76. I sing karaoke only when I have alcohol in my system (don't we all?)

77. And I was born in 1977.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Bothersome Detail

-->Going commando from time to time is fun. Make sure you wear button fly jeans. Yeah, zippers are a bitch!

I'm disturbed. As most (ok all!) of my friends know, I haven't "really" dated for almost 5 years. Yeah, I've 'talked' with other guys, but nothing anywhere serious. Every time they bother me by asking why, I just tell them that I haven't found the right guy yet. To my dismay, they just urge me to just get laid. These are my friends that I'm talking about.

It doesn't bother me coz I know I'm not that type of person (ok, anymore!) Lately, I've gotten the itch to start talking to guys again (must be my new tongue ring. ha! still not that type!) and have spoken with a few. Told some friends of this tidbit. Instead of being happy for me, they immediately ask what was wrong with the guy(s).


Exactly my sentiment. Not wanting to hear what they meant, I asked anyway. Flea, my house mate, reasoned it as FEAR.


Further explaining that it is my way of protecting myself. Making up excuses why I would think the guy is not good for me or what I don't like about the person before even a big date, therefore I won't have to make an effort to get to know the guy better. My firewall. My fear of getting hurt...Again.

Sadly, I think she nailed this one on the head.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Yikes! Small World!


Ok, I had a great time at Pride this year. Went with friends and became a shutterbug. Took pictures of everything and everyone. Specially guys who I thought were good looking/interesting (that is until my batteries ran out). Posted it online on my account so I can share it with everyone/anyone who cared to look. But I wasn't expecting one of my object of desires to find himself posted on my site! HOW EMBARRASSING!

As luck would have it, he happens to just open up an account a few months back. Uh, huh. I know. But it seemed like he was more amused rather than violated. Thank goodness. Anyway, here's to Marco. ;-P

Monday, June 26, 2006

San Francisco Gay Pride 2006

Here are some pics. Enjoy! Click on any of the pics to see the whole set.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Made My Day

Opened up my email today and found an alert from Myspace that someone left me a message...I felt happy. Not that I have finally now have a chance to fulfill my dreams of becoming a call boy. Or that someone wants to pay me to have sex with them. But rather, someone is more pathetic than me. What the fuck was he thinking?

I should be insulted. I'm not. Actually, I feel pity (after laughing so hard) for the guy. WHAT HE FUCK WAS HE THINKING?

Am I wrong to go to his profile and check out his pic (which he has 4 of the same pic posted)? Finding out that he lives on the same city as I do (CREEPY). That he's a year younger than me (the bastard!) To see that he has 15 so-called friends and wonder how much they were paid to do the nasty. Incidentally, all were Latino thugs!

I would have turned a blind eye and help him work with his self-esteem but the fact that he can't spell for shit nor think that I'm straight, leaves me to believe that:

A) He can't read
B) His brain needed some oiling (gears aren't working)
C) Superficial and Perverted
D) Have recently jacked-off while looking at my pics (which is the worst, I mean who would masturbate looking @ me?)

Oh, well...I wish him the best to find that perfect straight/gay call boy to fuck him really good and pay REALLY GOOD MONEY! I just hope he wears a condom.

P.S. Who's sorry now?

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


I have reconciled with myself that I am that old, so be it. One more year before the big...3-0! I am actually looking forward to this year. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Am I that Jaded?

Lately, I have been glancing at pictures of men kissing. While they are great to look at...ok, fine! Fuckingly awesome to look at, I come to realize that all of those pics only gave me a sense of sexuality. To me, every single one of them (and I saw plenty), was more about the sex. It was titillating. It gave me a woodie.

But to my disbelief, I couldn't help but think, "Is that it? Are we all about sex?" Then I realized that OMFG! I have yet to see a picture of two men kissing where the first thing that enters my mind would be of L-O-V-E. Nothing! Nada! Not even when I see pictures of nuptuals/civil ceremonies. They are all for show, lust, sterile, or gay4pay. Cynical? I am flabbergasted. Could it be that I'm still hurting? Nah. It's just how I see things. Could it be true that what society sees of us is really our truth? That we are nothing but sexual...One would hope not.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that a man2man kiss can exude LOVE. I have felt/experienced it. It's one of those "It's-all-me-and-him-and-nothing-else-in-the-world-matters-only-we-exist-spinning-melding-huh-what-just-happened" kind. So I know it is possible.

It just bothers me that I have not seen one.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Big Whoop!

Before anything else, yes I got laid...

  • Found out that turbulence still scare the shit out of me. Note to self: get Rx for Xanax!
  • Taipei Airport has free wifi internet! Thank You!
  • Ninoy Aquino International Airport smelled like a FISH Market! WTF?!
  • Filipino Drivers are CRAZY! Note to self: ask to increase dose of Xanax!
  • It's freaking Hot.
  • Thank goodness for AC!
  • After shower sweating is so overrated.
  • Brother's Wedding went without a hitch.
  • My wedding speech sucked ass!
  • I have tons and tons of relatives!
  • You will always have a relative(s) that just can't shut the fuck up. But I still love them.
  • Every 2 days I travelled.
  • First to Baguio. Wow, it has changed.
  • Seeing old classmates is very intimidating. Never did found the balls to go up to him.
  • Straight Uncles took me to a Strip Club. Both Female and Male! LOL
  • SM Baguio has Starbucks!
  • 10 pesos for a penis key chain. Bought 20.
  • Next to Binmaley, Pangasinan.
  • Uncle's house is enormous!
  • Visited the graves of my paternal grandparents' and tita Del.
  • Ate goat and snails.
  • Found out my niece is a Lesbian!
  • Went to observe my uncle @ his place of work. He's a judge.
  • Official Language of the Philippine Court System? English.
  • Sat 5-7 feet away from 3 guys that were handcuffed together. All 3 being tried for murder. All 3 were smiling. The guards have the habbit of walking out of the courtroom.
  • Listening to the prosecutor gave me a headache. What did he say again?
  • Then back to Manila.
  • Went to a gay bar.
  • To Filipinos, a gay bar meant 'strip joint'.
  • Full frontal? yeah ummm.
  • Watch out for your beer before he dips...never mind.
  • Went to a comedy bar. Which comprised of effeminate gay men making a fool out of themselves. Surprisingly, was very entertaining.
  • Was hit on by a straight guy. I know, I was weirded out.
  • Fell in Lust.
  • Will definitely go back.
  • Soon.
  • One perk of going back to visit: finding old pics!

Me and Nana Gunyang
me and nana gunyang

Me and My Brother Joe
me and joe

Me and Tita Del
tita del and i

Me and Mom
mom and i 1

Mama's boy
mom and i 2

Me and Mom 2
mama's boy

Me and Joe
me and joe 1

Me and Kuya Joe
me and joe 2

Cut offs?
stranger, tita pres, tita ced, me

ate vernie, me, lenlen, donna, joe

Joe and Dad
joe and dad

My Mother

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Been Back...

but have been too busy @ work and sick to post hardly anything. also had to weed through hundreds of photos, which i tell ya, is very tedious if you ask me. but i do have things to'll just have to wait.

one thing's for sure...i got my mojo back, and part of my self confidence.

Sunday, January 08, 2006


Good lord, it took forever to finally have a time to myself, look for a wifi hotspot, then look for a prepaid wireless card, check email, and blog. Wedding went great thanks to the organizational skills of Jingle (my sister-in-law's sister). The only thing that didn't go as planned was that the priest got sick, so the wedding didn't start until much later when the replacement arrived. And my speech was a disaster. I don't want to even think about it. The worst thing is that it was all caught on tape. Oh well, it's not the first time that I embarrassed myself.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Current Keywords for My Blog

For now, I have no comments...


Just arrived Taipei a few minutes ago. First impression, never have a perfume/cologne counter meet new arrivals or they would think that Taipei smells like a very expensive whore who loves to dowse herself with parfum. Yech!

One thing I give them credit for is their "ezone". It's free! I like it even better than the T-Mobile hotspot.

Next stop...Manila!!!

Monday, January 02, 2006

I LOVE TMobile Hotspot!!!!

Ok, I'm @ SFO and I'm blogging. Good lord, the technology today! I can't believe I'm online. So...ummm. Anyway, there was this crazy white guy that was ahead of me that could talk a hind leg off a horse. Why do I always find the crazy people? They're drawn to me, I tell ya, like a moth to a flame. (Insert joke about 'Flamers'. Ha ha funny! Fuck YOU : P )

Drive was awesome. Stopped raining midway. Gorgeous sunset overlooking the mountains (or maybe hills) / Altamount (sp?) Pass. Checking in was another story. It sucked ass. Took me 2 hours to go through, it wouldn't have been half as bad but Yapper had to be infront of me. I thought he was on crank at first but further looking at him, made me just realize that he's just plain annoying. Maybe a nice guy, but he's such a bigot/racist. You should have heard him talk about some Pakistani in line. He talked about how one time, he had to change seats because one of them Paki's (his words) STANK LIKE A MUTHA! Could you tone it down a bit, I think they might have heard him. Great. I can't wait to board the plane.

Next stop, Taipei!

Here we go

Ok I'm off to San Fran International Airport. It's raining cat's and dogs here. I'm a freaking mess. I look like a wet dog. Great way to start huh? Anyway, first I'm going to lunch with Norm. Ok, hopefully there's a way for me to blog even post pics...what the heck am I saying? Of course, there would be. Duh!

Crossing my fingers.

I Can't Sleep

It's only 21 hours before my flight heading for Manila, Philippines and I'm wide awake. I didn't drink anything that had caffeine. Am I really that excited? Ok, it's been more than 14 years since I was there. A long time have I not seen my relatives and friends. Friends who I only talk to every now and then. Relatives 14 years older than I last saw them. New relatives that have been born to this world whom I have yet to meet. 14 years since I have been to the Nation that I called home. A Country, despite it's many downs than ups, still holds a special place to my heart.

HECK YEAH I'M EXCITED! And nervous at the same time

Sunday, January 01, 2006

This Is Nice

Dog gone it. That means I have to get out of the house today to see if this shit is true!

I hate doing this...

I do! Friggin' New Year's Resolutions! Argh! Each year I tell myself I'm going to go through it all. That I'm going to stick with them this time. I should just not make a list on what I should be doing this following year. But I do it anyway. It's my kinky side, I'm a sucker for disappointments.

1. Eat less rice. (this will be tough)
2. Go to the gym. (I'm tearing up with laughter already)
3. Start running again. (have to buy new running shoes. yippee!)
4. Open myself up with the idea of dating again. (Note: don't lower your standards)
5. Spend less, save more money. (although am allowed to shop when there is a sale)
6. Stop being attracted to men who are assholes, in the closet, bitchier than me, liars, cheaters, recently single, "not quite" divorced yet, guys who love fisting (I just can't), emotional fuckwits (thank you Bridget Jones), narcissistic make that less narcissistic, and druggies.
7. Make time to walk MC to the park. (i'm sorry MC)
8. Drink less beer.
9. Stop buying porn! (ummm no comment)
10. Write more often. (ie emails, poetry, letters, etc.)
11. Soak feet at the end of the day. (you should see them!)
12. Get contacts.
13. Call Tony to say I'm sorry. (long story)
14. Call Aaron to say I'm sorry. (longer story)
15. Go to Mexico with Jodi.
16. Read more books than last year.
17. Keep pinky swear with Dove'x.
18. Take more pictures.
19. Travel more.
20. And Blog more often. (we'll see how this one goes)

So far that is it. Looks short but there are a lot of tough ones. Hopefully, I will follow through. If not...oh well...there is Next Year.