Saturday, September 23, 2006

A letter to Someone

Tonight, I was going through my things trying to look for some paperwork I thought I brought with me when I moved out of my parent's house. I spent hours trying to look for that darn thing. Nada! Instead, I found one of my notebooks and decided to flip through the pages. It seemed that I wrote a letter 7 years ago. An open letter. Good lord, I'm such a geek! Well here it goes:

June 2000

Hi! You must think I'm crazy. I mean who would do such a thing? Writing to somebody who's not real. Well I guess that's me.

Anyway, I'm 5'7", black hair, brown eyes, 155 lbs, medium built, and tan complected. By the way I'm a man. A man who's looking for Mr. Right. And hopefully that's you.

I'm very nice, you could even ask my friends. Although they would say different other things. Some I would rather not dwell upon.

I'm 22 yrs old. Aquarian. Part poet, part romantic. I would easily cry at movies also laugh loudly. Can't say that I'm handsome but I've been told that I am cute, even okay looking.

I love reading books, especially by Kurt Vonnegut and Robert Jordan. I love Catch-22 and others of the sort. I also love writing poetry, most of them about tragic love. I drink on the weekends. Go clubbing with friends. Basically, what a normal 22 yr old would do.

I'm looking for a guy who's a man yet sensitive, modest, likes my friends (at least gets along with them), neat, taller than me, nice eyes, nice smile, and always around.

I don't really look for a certain age/body/group. I've found myself attracted to different types of guys. Although it matters most if they are healthy. Hopefully, one day, I'll meet that man. I've been searching for him since I had come out, 3 years ago. So far, I haven't been lucky. To me, it seems that all men are dogs, just plain promiscuous. The ones that I do fall for are either straight (hetero), disappointing, not interested, or just not available.

I'm in the military. The military is not a good place for me. Everywhere I turn, I see good looking guys. It is hard for me to concentrate. Really.

I've had my share of "Trades". So-called straight guys wanting to try the other way. Mostly blowjobs, and they do come for seconds, and thirds, and fourths, and so on. But all they are looking for is a quick nut. A saying they all actually share is this: "I'm just a squirrel in this world. Just trying to bust a nut." So whenever they come knocking at my door, I happily comply. What can be more stimulating to a gay guy than a straight" man's company? Like I said, I have had plenty of my share.

To me, the military is a breeding ground for freaks, bisexuals, and homosexuals. Believe me, there are a lot of Freaks. As for Bi(s) and Homos, well, soldiers love to get drunk. When intoxicated, soldiers do a lot of things they never thought they would. This is where the experienced fags work the fields. Is is bad, I admit but it is true.

One of them (gay guy) would start out by asking a group of drunken soldiers a hypothetical question that would root out guys that would be willing to "experiment".
One of them is this: "What if you were in a room,a dark room with no lights, can't even see beyond inches of your face. When all of a sudden, your dick is being sucked. It feels good. You reach out and you find out it's a guy that's giving you head What would you do?" This in turn would lead to a pause, sometimes short, other times long. Giving time to those being asked to think carefully, then add, "Now you remember that you cannot see the person blowing you Would you stop it then and there or would you let it go on?"

Answers would differ but there is at least someone who would say that he would let it go on. That same person would be the target of the night. He is from now on, marked and sooner or later, a done deal. May sound easy, cliche even. But I have seen this tactic played right in front of me. Much to my surprise. It's so blatantly obvious to me. Then again, we are talking about drunk and horny soldiers.

The first time I had sex with a "hetero", I was shocked by how tender and passionate his love making was. I was expecting rough sex, being manhandled even But his caresses were light, sure, and he would constantly ask if I was comfortable. I, being the crazy one as can be, just started shouting to make it harder and to talk dirty to me. Afterwards, I was embarrass when my hormones subsided. I still, to this day, could see his face. Eyes wide, face blushed, and a big smile on his face. It was his first time and I was so happy because he enjoyed it. From then on, we had sex every 2 weeks. When his girlfriend goes to her Army national guard unit for her drill. It didn't hurt the fact that he was in the same unit as I was. Life is grand, isn't it.

That too didn't last. 6 months later, he got orders to go to Korea. Good things never last. We had fun the next 4 months. Him and his girlfriend broke up So I had him all to myself. He never did tell me why they broke up. I didn't want to bring it up. Besides, I was at the good end of the bargain, why ruin it?

I miss him. Hopefully we would meet again.

The next time I had relations with a "straight" guy, I fell in love. I fell so hard, I have bruises in my mind. He was the first one to break my heart.

I'll explain next time. Going to bed.


Re-reading the darn thing made me realize how shallow I was. Am I still? And the grammar! I almost feel like I was reading something some trashy fag wrote who lived in the valley! Here's hoping that I've outgrown it. It's funny. You could tell that the letter was influence by the age of AOL chat rooms!