In the last few months, I've managed to jump back into the dating pool. Five long years since my last long term relationship. Five long years, I've yearned to be with someone. Five long years, I've distrusted men. Five long years, I've been lonely.
So you could imagine my being hesitant. The prospect of getting to know someone. To let him handle your fragile heart. Sadly, being self-blinded with the "Woe Is Me" syndrome, I forgot that I wasn't the only one with the fragile heart.
A few months back, I realize that I was being stupid. Remembering a quote from Ally McBeal, "Love is just like a game. You'll never win if you don't play." (Yeah, so gay. Which incidentally, was delivered by none other than Dame Edna.) Then I thought, to hell with the past! Things happen for a reason, you live in the present to learn from them so you can have a better future. (So much psychobabble, I know.)
Next thing you know, I sent an email asking someone out. A few weeks passed, got their phone number, left messages twice, talked to him for days, then we finally met. I was lucky. He turned out to be nice, cute, loving, and a wonderful guy. And I have to say that he knew how to kiss. I take it back, He is a great guy. I was happy, ecstatic even. Time spent with him was relaxing. He's the type of guy that makes you feel so comfortable to be in your own skin. And I was.
Don't get me wrong, the relationship wasn't perfect. Little by little, I got to know him better. And little by little, things started bothering me. But I didn't let them be such a big deal. A kiss from him, makes them all disappear. What a feeling!
Just as things were going along fine, a moment happens. Something you would see when watching a Jerry Seinfeld episode. Something stupid, something remotely incomprehensible was said. I could have just blown it off. The kisses stopped working. I mean, he's a great guy, what the fuck was I thinking? But just like Jerry, I could not let it go. And just like a switch, I was turned off. Mulling things over for a few days just made it worse. It bothered me the more I thought about it. Of course, I asked my friends what they thought. All of them agreed that I should break it to him gently. But soon before he falls deeply.
What a fine thing to say. I, who have had his heart broken many times over, know how it would feel. I couldn't do it to him. For Pete's sake! His birthday is less than 2 weeks away! What if I'm just being stupid? What if I'm only having cold feet? What if I'm going to make the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go? But like a bucket of cold water, I realize I can not get over it. Not to mention, it would be unfair to him and more hurtful if I keep up with the charade.
Part of me hoped that he would take it in stride, shrug and happily take my offer of friendship without so much of a hassle. In a perfect world. I hate it. I don't want to do it. I wished he would change his mind and without any warning, tell me instead that he's breaking up with me. In my dreams. In the end, I had to do it.
I called him and right away, he sensed that something was awry. While my whole body was shaking and my heart racing, I told him what I felt. He hung up. A few text messages later, me offering friendship and he with angry replies. I understood his anger. Fuck! I would be angry at myself! He said mean things, things I would have said if I were in his shoes. I deserved each hateful comment. I would own it if it helps him.
And I am very sincere when I told him that I didn't want to lose him completely. I truly am.
Fuck! I feel like shit!