To The Darkside...

I hate to admit this but I think I need to get laid. Why? Besides the fact that I've refrained from any sexual activities (well, except for the auto-erotica kind, no not in a car) for the past 4 years. It's just that lately, I've been catching myself pondering the idea of buying a special toy. No, not BOB, more like the stationary yet life-like kind. A friend of mine mentioned that the ones with suction cups works the best because you can enjoy 'IT' without the use of hands. Leaving you the opportunity to let your hands do what they do best. I feigned embarrassment when her words sunk in. It piqued my curiosity.

I checked what was available online. Good lord! Imagine my surprise when I realized that there were several kinds of you-know-what. There were plastic (mostly neon colored, I don't see why there's any reason they should color one day-glo green), glass (wtf? Why not just use a beer bottle?), metal (words seem to leave me), life-like (some can have foreskin, it can ejaculate, twirl, go up and down, and some can even expand), and a kit where you can make your own (don't ask). It was such an eye opener, so to speak. I even went as far as adding some to my wishlist. Then I deleted them.

I had the horrible foresight of the mailman accidentally opening my box and finding the monstrosity idly wiggling side to side. I also remembered stories of things getting stuck and having to go to the ER. I haven't received in a long while (my last ex was the catcher) that I doubted this would have happened. What is feasible is that I might try to sit on it and realize that my brown star would rather stay shut and not twinkle. Getting myself drunk before attempting (to loosen up, that is, my inhibitions) is out of the question, I might end up passing out while the whole thing is still in.

So, here I am. Still tight. Still have the mantra of not having anything fake go up my bum. And not sure if I feel better about it.