Monday, January 31, 2005

A Hard Pill

Friends. I love them all. I don't know what to do without them. They are there for support, to make your life interesting, laughs, encouragement, sometimes a pain in the ass, and sometimes a source of the bitter truth. They tell you things that you know but don't want to hear. It's a double edge sword, friends knowing you.

For the past past few months, almost all (ok, all of them) keep insisting that I get laid or something (I'm not quite clear about the 'something' part and I don't intend to ask them). So it leads me to believe that maybe I've been hella grumpy lately. Or maybe because I have stated that "I needed to get laid!" I can't decide which. It doesn't matter because I have been warned that they're going to hire a stripper for my birthday. I hope not! I'm not into SLEAZE! IF ANY OF YOU GUYS ARE READING THIS, NO STRIPPERS! Period!

Even acquaintances manage to give their shot at my non-existing love life. One, a straight guy, gave me pointers on how to "snag" the guy. Gave me all the details. How my first date should be going out to watch a movie or see a play, anything that involves not talking for long periods of time (I think he's giving me a hint here but I can't quite grasp it yet). Then offer to go get a drink at a place where I know some friends of mine would be present so my pseudo-date would see me interact with my friends. His words: "You're a cool guy, Jake. A really nice guy, charming, and funny. All of us think so. You just get nervous and clam up. So go to places where you'll be comfortable. Some place where your friends are. Once he sees you amongst your friends, you got him." He even offered to go with me to the local gay bar. It was very nice of him to say all those things but I was waiting for him to add something about my looks. Oh well, but I did appreciate the sentiment. Although, I doubt he was completely sincere. I had the suspicion he was trying to get me distracted so I can let my guard down. You see, I was one of my friends' cock blocker for the night!

That's not all! For some odd reason, lately, I have been told that I'm scared. First from a drunk friend. I let that one go because I thought she was just talking out of her ass. So I ignored her. Then another friend told me along the same lines that I'm scared. Then another. And another. Just last week, I have found out that my friends were actually discussing why I haven't dated for a long time. Their conclusion: is that I'm scared. No Fucking Way!

After all, I've had my heart broken several times. 3 were the worst kind (the ones where I was deeply committed). But each time I bounced back. Each time I feel the hope of 'the next one would be the one' dwindling. Then it became that before even each time happens, I think of why it wasn't going to last. I am damaged. I hate to admit it, but I am. For 4 years I've held on to something Brad (my last ex) gave to me. A key chain that looks like a buckle with the letter J in the middle. It reminded me of the good times that we shared and intimate yet private kisses that we gave each other whenever we're outside. It reminded me of his caress, him always wanting music playing when we're making love. It reminded me of how he would light up each time I sing to him whenever and where ever. And it still reminds me of the first time he told me that He loved me. Then the deceit and lies all comes back to me. Well how about that, it's only a silver key chain/buckle after all.

For more than 4 years I've held on to that trinket. 2 weeks ago, I gave it to one of my co-workers to get it out of my area, my life. She was happy to oblige.

It's a hard pill to swallow...Truth. It took me awhile. I'm not sure if I think that I'm now a better man because of it. But I can say this much, I've gained some hope back.